Remembrance

I was restless and couldn't sleep. I got up out of bed. I put on my robe. I came downstairs and sat in my living room. The night's moon light cascaded on me. I felt warm. I started to relax. I laughed. I couldn't believe how things had agitated me so. How did it all begin? Oh, yes. I remember now.

Yesterday morning my cat, Jolene, jumped up on my bed and woke me. I got out of bed and went downstairs. I opened a can of Purina liver and sausage and emptied it into her bowl. She wolfed it down.

I felt a tickling in my nose and panicked. I'm horribly allergic to cats and I always take a Claritin 24 hour tablet before going to sleep. But last night I was a little drunk from the bottle of wine I drank at my birthday party, and I forgot. My sinuses were on fire. I started to sneeze and couldn't stop. Jolene is very sensitive. She got scared and panicked and ran out the back door and across the back yard and then over the fence.

Jake, my neighbor's dog, hates Jolene. He barked fiercely. Jolene jumped back over the fence. Jake followed. They ran into my house. Jolene ran behind the television and Jake followed. Jolene went out the other side, but Jake got tangled up in the wires. He panicked and his nails must have torn the wires. They sparked and he caught fire. He escaped and ran through my house in flames, setting my house on fire.

The fire department put out the fire. Most of my house was destroyed. I tried sleeping on a piece of the bed that didn't burn. I was angry. I came downstairs and felt the moonlight and was okay again.

But then Jolene ran in front of me followed by a scalded Jake. I went nuts. I got out matches and burnt down the rest of the house. I got in the car and ran over Jake. I shaved my cat bald. I ate the rest of the Claritin. And then I felt better.

Time Off

I'd been working a lot recently so I took some time off this weekend. I got in my spaceship and I went up into space. I put on my space suit and went out for a walk. I like the floating. My body completely relaxes. Though I have to be careful not to close my eyes because I fall asleep immediately and then I might as well be back sleeping on my bed in my apartment on earth.

You Got That Right

This morning I was listening to WXRT and heard, "You Got That Right" and felt sad. It's by Lynyrd Skynyrd. My father was their lead guitarist. While on tour in 1977, their tour plane crashed and he died. When I heard the song I cried and went back in time.

I remember when I was nine and traveled with the band. My dad used to call me out onto the stage and I would dance to that song. The audience went wild. I felt like I was part of the band.

When I got back to town I told my friends that I missed school because I was touring as a member of Lynyrd Skynyrd. They didn't believe me. Then the band did a show at Cleveland Stadium that weekend and I there I was onstage dancing to "You Got That Right." They flipped out.

Clams

I have a part time job where I fish for clams on the bottom of Lake Michigan. I had to go through training to learn how to hold my breath underwater for five minutes at a time. Plus it took me a while to learn how to see and dig at the bottom of the lake. The coordination required is incredible.

I work Monday through Wednesday. I start around 5 am and work till 10 am. The company has a good incentive structure. I make $1 a clam. While digging I think of the things I want and how many clams it would take to afford it. Plus it's great exercise.

I smell like fish the rest of the day. This bothers my girlfriend. I tried cologne but she can still smell it. I don't know what to do since I really like being with her, but I also like my job. I'm thinking of asking her if she'd like to work with me. The company is looking for some new diggers. I'm hoping she reads this and thinks its a good idea.

On Tour With the Boss in Houston

I'm currently the opening act for Bruce Springsteen's "Working On a Dream" tour. I go on stage for fifteen minutes and talk about the kinds of things that you read in this blog.

Yesterday we did a show in Houston. When I got on stage there were about fifteen people sitting in their seats, and maybe 50 or so milling about. I asked people if they wanted to come on stage. One woman came up. I held out a hand and helped her climb on stage. She was nervous. I told her, "So am I, but since I'm getting paid for it, I look at it like I'm selling those feelings, which means they don''t belong to me anymore, and then I'm okay." She laughed and said she felt better.

Two couples came to the stage. We helped them up. One of the people stood in front of the microphone and sang, "Born in the USA." He sounded horrible. Some people in the audience booed him. I said, "Don't worry, that's just people warming up to later on say, 'Bruuuuuuce, Bruuuuuce!" That got some good laughs.

Now everyone was waiting in front of the stage. We helped them all up. Some took pictures of each other. A few ran around playing air guitar. One lady got on the microphone and said, "Wait, I thought this was supposed to be the Bruce Springsteen show. What the hell is this?!" Lots of people laughed. They thought she was just being funny. But she meant it.

Some Kind of Change

I went into the chocolate store. I said, "Do you have anything without chocolate?"

The clerk looked around. She said, "Nope."

I said, "Okay."

I left. I walked down the sidewalk to my car. I thought, "I can't believe I drove from Chicago to Minnesota for something that was so obviously wrong." The absurdity made me laugh. I had tears coming from my eyes. My body shook. For the first time in months I relaxed.

I went back into the store and bought a truffle.

How It Happened

This morning I got out of bed and stepped into a swamp. I was underwater. I acted fast and got to the surface. I was surprised as to how I got here. I didn't remember going to bed in a swamp. As I tread water I thought about the events from the previous evening.

I was at home. I cooked bison. I ate it while I watched, "Murder She Wrote". I took a bath. I went to bed.

Hmm. Oh, wait. I forgot. I didn't fall asleep right away. I laid there for a while thinking a bunch of thoughts. I thought it would be helpful to go for a walk. I got up out of bed. I put on a jacket and went for a walk. I walked for a couple of hours. I began to feel tired. I didn't want to have to walk all the way back home. Then I noticed a sign that said, "Fullner Swamps Natural Habitat Hotel." I got a bed and went to sleep.

My Birthday Morning

I woke up this morning next to a cake. I could smell vanilla and chocolate. I raised my head and saw my name written on the top. There were some candles burning. I stuck my tongue out and licked the frosting. It was delicious. I hugged the cake. It got all over my pajamas. The candles set my pillow on fire. I quickly put it out.

Lunch

This morning I went fishing. I sat for a while on my lucky rock spot without any luck. Then around noon I got a bite. It was a strong pull. It almost pulled me off the boulder. I had to stand up to maintain good footing and balance.

The struggle lasted a half hour. Finally I felt the line relax. I pulled the fish out of the water. It was a minnow. I didn't understand how it could have had the strength.

When I'd pulled the line all the way in I asked the minnow, "I'm amazed at your strength. How were you able to summon it up?"

The minnow said, "I've always been strangely strong. I think it must be genetic."

I said, "Yes, you're probably right. Still, I'm amazed."

The minnow said, "Thanks".

Then I cooked up the minnow on an outdoor fire pit I built with rocks and dry tree branches. I ate it for lunch. It was delicious and I felt full.

VIP Visit

Last night I got a visit from President James Buchanan. He's no longer alive. It was his ghost. I was a little scared at first. But as with most things I was okay in a few minutes. He told me facts about his administration that I didn't know. I wasn't that interested, but I'm congenial so I listened well.

When he was done I asked him what it's like to be dead. He said that you have a lot of free time, you don't have to pay rent or eat food, and for the first time you really relax. I said it would be nice to be able to do that while alive and we both laughed.

Tonight

I took a drive through the desert tonight. I didn't have a destination. I followed the road. There was no one else around so I shut off my headlights. I was driving by moonlight.

I was so entranced that I didn't realize how far I had driven and I ran out of gas. The car stopped and I got out. I walked. The moon illuminated the cactus. I could see the needles.

I kept walking. I could see the outlines of the desert creatures running across the desert floor. I think I saw a coyote. There was a rattlesnake. An armadillo crossed in front of me.

I came to a pond. I took off my clothes and I went into the black water. That was the last I saw of me.

This Morning

Today I went to the convenient store by my house. I was thirsty and wanted a liter of water. I went in and was startled to see a robbery in progress. The gunman pointed his shotgun at my head and told me to get down on the ground. I started to and then realized that he wasn't going to shoot me because it would get in the way of him getting the money.

I said, "I'm just here for water. I don't want to interrupt you. I'll make this quick."

I walked over to the glass front fridge and got out some Arrowhead water. I brought it to the counter. The clerk was standing with his hands in the air. He was shaking.

I said, "How much?"

The clerk looked to the gunman who wasn't saying a word. The clerk then looked to me. He said, "That will be $1.58." I gave him two dollars. He gave me change. I walked back out the front door.

I sat out on the curb and drank the water. It was refreshing. I thought about what had just happened. It was vibrant in the moment. But now it was just a memory. It felt elusive like a dream.

A squirrel came a few feet from me. I was thinking he wanted some nuts. I didn't have any. I thought of going back into the store and getting him some. But it seemed like it would be a hassle.

Rising

I woke up this morning and the Sun wasn't up. I looked at my clock. It said, "10:18 am". I knew something was wrong. I went outside. I looked up towards the dark sky.

I said, "Um, excuse me. You're supposed to be on."

There was no response. But I heard some rustling. Then I heard a thud and then a glass shattered. There was a, "dammit". I heard a groan. Then I saw the Sun slowly rise.

The Sun said, "Sorry...I'm sorry, I didn't realize the time. Um, I think I'm supposed to be here. Does that look right?"

I said, "That seems okay. Is everything alright?"

The Sun said, "Yeah, you know, just..."

I said, "Yeah, I know."

Hanging Out in the Ocean

I took some time off this morning to go for a walk along the beach. I was looking at the Ocean and saw a dolphin off in the distance. I took off my clothes and went swimming towards the dolphin. On my way, the dolphin surfaced.

The dolphin said, "Oh, wow. I saw you on the beach. I was actually swimming over to talk with you."

I said, "Excellent. Would you like to swim together?"

The dolphin said, "Yes!"

We swam for a while. Sometimes I rode on its back holding onto the fin. We went deep underwater and I saw some amazing schools of fish. They looked better than when I'd seen it on TV.

The dolphin also introduced me to some whale friends. The interesting thing was how they were totally not self-conscious about their size. I was a little overwhelmed because I felt like I was talking with a building.

B-Day List

My birthday is coming up. It's March 21st. My girlfriend asked me to put together a gift wish list. I did. Here it is:

1. A de-quilled porcupine.

2. A phone that doesn't take or make calls. But it's licorice so it's delicious!

3. A trip in the Time Machine back to March 19th, 1961 so I can tell people I'm coming out in two days and can they keep it down because I need my rest.

Grapefruit

I got up early and went outside to a grapefruit tree. I pulled off a grapefruit and sat under the tree and peeled it. I started to eat the sections. I felt the tree shift a little behind me.

The Tree said, "How is it?"

I said, "It's delicious. You did a great job!"

The Tree said, "Wow, thanks. I had a feeling it was a good batch. So what brings you to town?"

I said, "I'm here to do publicity for my new book, "Clutter Busting: Letting Go of What's Holding You Back."

The Tree said, "I make grapefruit. You write about how to get rid of clutter. We like to help out."

I said, "I hope my book is as delicious as your fruit."

The Tree said, "I'll order a copy from Amazon and let you know what I think."

I said, "Thanks."

Fish

I went fishing this morning. I sat on the rocks, holding onto the fishing pole. It was cold. I was bundled up. I don't mind being cold when I'm out by the water. It felt like a part of life.

I caught a fish. I pulled it out of the water. It was a trout. We don't normally get trout in Chicago. I figured it must have come out of a stream in Michigan and found its way across the lake to me.

The fish looked at me.

I said, "I hope you don't mind."

The fish said, "No, it's part of life."

I said, "Yes, I was just thinking that."

Socks

I went to the Gap to buy a pair of socks. They had some on sale. I noticed one pair that was the highest on the rack. It was out of my reach. I asked one of the sales clerks to help me. They turned pale. I inquired. It turns out this pair had special powers. That excited me. I bought them.

I went home and put on my new pair of socks. I waited for something to happen. A half hour went by, but nothing special had occurred. I turned on the TV. I was watching CNN. Suddenly the anchor Wolf Blitzer stop telling the news and looked strangely into the camera.

He said, "Oh, my God, those socks, they're so incredibly beautiful."

I said, "Thanks. I just bought them today. They were on sale."

He said, "Those are some super fine socks!"

I said, "Wow, thanks. That's really nice."

He stared some more and then went back to telling the news.

I looked down at my socks and thought, "I guess they are pretty nice."

About five minutes later, Wolf Blitzer stopped in the middle of the news and said, "I'm too distracted by the socks. I've got to go." He left the news desk and walked off camera. No one was on screen. Then one of the production guys was on and he was looking into the camera.

He said, "I don't think they are all that special...but I can't stop looking at them."

Soon there were three more people looking into the camera. They got into an argument over my socks. I felt uncomfortable. I switched off the TV.

I had dinner. I played guitar. I started to feel better. I felt it might be okay to turn the TV back on. I did. There was now a big crowd of people looking into the camera. They were startled to see me. They applauded. I saw a photo of my feet and socks on the background monitor. There was a caption that said, "Phenomenon."

I switched off the TV. I didn't turn it back on that night. I wondered if I should return the socks. I really liked them. But I wasn't comfortable with the attention. Then I thought I'd been watching too much TV lately. So I gave my TV to my neighbor and kept the socks.

Saturday's Trip

I spent Saturday watching birds migrate over my backyard. I loved the feeling of freedom as I saw their outstretched wings soar over me.

I became so inspired that I got some wood out of my garage. I nailed them together in a long frame. I took the lawn mower engine off the mower and put it on the frame. I added the blades from our fan. I put two bamboo poles on each side of the frame and added sheets of the plastic wrap we use to winterize our windows. I put the pads from the summer lawn chairs on the frame. I turned on the engine, laid down on the frame, and took off in my mini plane!

I was quickly soaring over the homes in my neighborhood. Bob, who lives a block away, saw me. He couldn't believe it! He shouted, "Brooks, you're crazy!"

Pretty soon I was up there with a pack of geese. They fly with such grace and intensity. One of them looked over at me. I couldn't tell if it was amazed or puzzled. In my mind I imagined I was a goose. I was with my geese friends. We were a team. We were flying to our new home.

After a few hours the geese sailed down to an open field. I landed with them. They poked in the grass with their beaks for worms. I laid on the grass and ate some licorice that I had packed in my jacket pocket. I guess I was kind of tired because I fell asleep. When I awoke, the geese were gone. I missed them. I also missed my family. I flew back home.

I laid down in my backyard. It felt good to be home. I watched the sky again. I heard distant honking. Suddenly another pack of geese flew over me. One of them looked down at me and winked. I got in my plane and started the engine.

Late Night Visitor

Last night I was woken by the Moon. It tapped on my window. I opened it.

I said, "Yes?"

The Moon said, "Are you awake?"

I said, "I am now."

The Moon said, "Oh, I'm sorry to wake you. I'm hungry and I was wondering what you have to eat?"

I said, "I don't go shopping until tomorrow, but I have a little almond butter left. And there's tortillas and some slices of soy cheese. I could melt some for you."

The Moon said, "Anything else?"

I said, "Um, eggs?"

The Moon said, "Yes!"

I cooked a quick omelet. I put it on a plate and set it outside on the windowsill. The Moon ate it.

I said, "Anything else?"

The Moon said, "Can we snuggle?"

I said, "Sure."

The Moon came in, we snuggled, I fell back asleep.

Coming Home

Last night I was flying home from a show I did in Alaska. We were in the air over British Columbia when the captain told us over the loudspeaker that we'd run out of gas and that we needed to parachute to the ground.

I'd never ski-dived. I was excited because I was going to, immediately. The flight attendants opened the floor compartments that contained the parachutes. We all strapped them on our backs. One of the flight attendants opened the plane's side door. It's amazing how fresh the air is that high up. I was exhilarated.

People started jumping out right away. Their chutes opened instantly. They looked like dandelion seeds floating in the air.

I was one of the last people in line. The pilot was behind me. I asked him how he was feeling. He told me that he felt badly for not checking the gas gauge when we left the Anchorage Airport. I said that the same thing had happened to me before, but it was with my car. I felt kind of dumb. He said he felt the same way. He thanked me for making him feel better.

I jumped out the window. It was amazing to be in the sky, with my feet hanging below me. It was dark and I couldn't see the ground. I felt like I could just as easily have been in Space. This made me feel expansive.

Before I knew it I landed in a tree. I didn't get hurt. I unbuckled myself and landed on the ground. I found the other passengers. We hiked for a couple of miles and found a ranger's station. There was one guy there and he was stunned to see us. He said he could be up there for weeks at a time and not see a soul. And then suddenly, there we were!

Change

This morning I got up early to work on my farm. I went to the Hen House. The hens had laid a good quantity of eggs overnight. But one of them had none.

I said, "Good morning, Dorthy. Is everything okay?"

Dorthy said, "Hello, Brooks. I'm done laying eggs."

I said, "I thought you like it. Is something wrong?"

Dorthy said, "Nothing. But I want to do something else."

I said, "What?"

Dorthy said, "Float in the lake."

I said, "Okay".

She followed me out the front door and we walked to the lake. She waddled into the water up to her chin. She looked uncertain.

I said, "Wait".

I picked up an inflated inner tube that was sitting on the ground. I stepped into the water and put the tube around her. She put her wings over the edge. I gave the tube a push. She laid her head back, closed her eyes and felt the sun on her face. She smiled.

Observations

Three dead men walk down the road together.

One says he’s glad to be back in the world and still not really be there.

The other misses the world as it used to be for him.

The last one complains that his feet hurt.

Square

One of my ancestors invented the square. He was humiliated by the press at the time. One review said that he was obviously trying to copy the wheel and it was dumb. He ended up dying penniless.

But now people laugh at the ancestors of those who once put him down, all due to the universal success of the crossword puzzle.