Found in the Ground

I was digging a hole in my backyard. It was for a Christmas Tree. It's difficult for me to buy a new one every year. I end up feeling sad for the tree as I watch it slowly die in my living room while it wears a costume, and then dumping it out on the curb for trash pickup. So I was going to plant one and not chop it down. I'll probably put a star on top of it and drape a little garland.

So while I was digging the hole I found an old piece of parchment paper. I unfolded it. It said, "Map to the treasure. If you follow the directions precisely, you will come upon a great fortune." I was amazed. I'd never found a treasure map before. I put the tree in the ground, put back the dirt and went on a treasure hunt.

I followed the directions. I had to get in my car and drive to Michigan. I drove to the uppermost part. I crossed a bridge onto a small island. I drove a few hundred more feet, parked, and walked an additional mile into the deep forest. I got to the spot. I got out my shovel and began digging. I dug for a couple of hours.

Then I hit something. It was a box. I dug it up. The box was a little rotted, but still intact. I opened its lid. Inside was a Milky Way bar. I was very happy because I was hungry from the long drive.

Ridin' to the Show with Daisy

I rode my horse to last night's comedy show. I like to breathe in a lot of fresh air before doing a show. I feel like I'm stocking up on oxygen.

People honked at me as I rode down Broadway. I think it made them happy to see a horse. Cars are convenient, but unnatural. Horses require more effort, but they are beautiful, living creatures.

The club supports me taking a horse to the show. They let me keep Daisy tied up at the bar and they give her a bale of hay to eat and enjoy.

I think Daisy likes my act. At certain points she will neigh with the audience as they laugh. This makes the audience laugh harder.

Sometimes I'll bring her on stage. I'll play my harmonica as she sways to its rhythm. Sometimes I pretend there is a mouse on stage and she playfully jumps up on a stool. I still don't know how she's able to balance.

Different Approach

There are times when people will not accept what you think, no matter how hard you try to jam it down their throats.

Sometimes you have to know there are other entrances.

The Chair

I bought a leather chair from Ikea. It's super comfortable. Sometimes I'll sit in it and do nothing else.

The other day I said to the chair, "How is it that you are so cozy?"

The chair said, "Oh, thank you, but I'm just doing my job."

I said, "Yes, but I don't feel this way about other chairs. Why you?"

The chair said, "Most chairs don't like when you sit in them. They'd rather be left alone. However I feel better when I'm doing what I've been created to do. It makes me happy. That's what you're feeling when you sit in me."

I said, "Well, then I'm a lucky guy."

The chair said, "Yes, you are."

An Explanation

Yesterday I went to the race track. I bet all my savings on an 800 to 1 long shot. The horse was victorious and I won five million dollars.

I bought all the horses at the track and set them free.

That explains why there were horses eating the grass in your front yard this morning.

Where I Went Tonight

I couldn't sleep tonight. I got out of bed, put on my jeans, shirt, shoes and jacket and went out into the night for a walk.

The sidewalks were empty. A few cars passed. The sky was wide open with stars looking down on me. I walked for a few miles.

I came upon the sound of an owl hooting. I looked around to find its source. I looked up an oak tree and saw glowing eyes. I waved at the owl. The owl raised a wing.

I kept walking. I came to the lake. The moon reflected the tips of the waves and it reminded me of chocolate frosting. A fish came to the surface with an open mouth. I reached into my pocket and took out some almonds. I tossed them to the fish. It caught and swallowed them. The fish nodded to me. I nodded back.

I walked down an empty dirt path by the University. It sounded good to hear my feet scrapping the ground. I was thinking I'd like a CD of walking on dirt. I saw a worm sticking its head out of the dirt. It looked panicked that I might step on it. I stopped and stepped around the worm. The worm relaxed.

I discovered an old rusted Ford in a field. The tires were gone. The wheels were half sunk into the ground. I ran my hand along the car's surface. The rust was flaky and it felt like stubble. The doors were gone and I slid inside. I sat on the torn seat. I felt peaceful and I got sleepy. I laid down and fell asleep.

Being on Oprah

Yesterday I was on Oprah. There wasn't any special show topic. We talked a little about movies we had seen and what we'd been up to generally. A lot of the time we sat quietly because we couldn't think of anything to talk about.

She asked me if I was hungry and I said yes. We went to the commissary. The audience followed us. The cameras too. Everyone sat down to eat. I had a feta omelet. It was delicious. When we were done we all went back to the show's set.

Oprah said she was glad to have eaten because she gets so busy that often she doesn't have time to eat. I said I was glad.

I was a little groggy and fell asleep in my chair. She was very kind and didn't wake me. When I woke she was reading a book. She noticed that I was awake and put the book down.

She said, "How was your nap?"

I said, "Pretty good. I needed it."

She said, "Did you have any dreams?"

I said, "Yes, I dreamt I was riding on the back of a turtle. It was moving slowly across the desert. I began to get impatient. The turtle looked up at me and said, "That doesn't help." I apologized. I relaxed and enjoyed looking at the sand dunes and feeling the warmth of the sun."

She said, "That was beautiful."

I said, "I agree."

Hazy

I have a pet Hummingbird. Its name is Hazy. I call her that because she is blurry when she flies and she is always flying. She looks like a streak of light as she flies around my apartment.

Once she got out. I forgot to close the back door all the way and she was gone. I spent the entire day looking for her. I asked people if they'd seen her. No one knew for sure because sometimes you think you saw a hummingbird, but often it's wishful thinking.

I was distraught. I didn't realize how attached I was. Soon it was night and I went home depressed. I sat down on my couch and cried.

And then I heard a buzzing swoop and looked up and there she was. I was ecstatic. And then she landed on my finger. I couldn't believe it. They don't do that. She was beautiful to behold. Her feathers were purple, blue and silver. Her beak was crimson. She cocked her head to the right in a hello gesture. And then a second later she was back to flying.

Oh my God, I'm in love with a hummingbird!

Today's Good Deed

I found a pair of teeth lying on the ground. I picked them up and looked around to see if anyone was looking for their teeth.

I noticed a butterfly was flying around me. I automatically shoved the teeth into its mouth. It was a perfect fit.

The butterfly smiled at me.

Trip to the Sun

When I was seven my dad took me on a trip to the Sun. It took a little while to get there. It's amazing how apt the name Space is.

We spent our travel time looking for constellations. We listened to all my dad's and my 8 Tracks about twenty times each. We stopped off at Venus and Mercury for day trips.

The Sun was pretty amazing. At first it was overwhelming to look at and I had to shut my eyes for a while. And then I was able to squint for a little bit. Pretty soon I looked at it with eyes wide open. It was better than the Grand Canyon because there were these amazing swirls and balls of fire and they were changing their shape every second.

It was similar to the ocean if it was lit from within and it exploded a lot.

My Weekend

I went kite flying this weekend. A very strong gust of wind lifted the kite hundreds of feet in the air, taking me with it. I looked down at the ground, seeing the trees and buildings as little bumps on the ground. I saw birds in mid flight glancing over at me.

As I went higher, I saw the tops of clouds which looked much like the bottoms, but brighter. Soon I was over the ocean which reflected to me a pretty good imitation of the sun.

I got kind of sleepy, so I tied the kite’s string to my wrist and took a nap.

When I woke, I was over strange lands. I saw unfamiliar rooftops. But then I recognized them from the encyclopedia as buildings in Moscow.

The winds settled down and I landed. This worked out well because I was hungry. I found a nice restaurant and had lunch. Luckily my waitress spoke some English. I told her where I'd come from. She laughed because she thought I was joking. I went along with it because it's nice to get a laugh.

The winds started up, so I took to flight again with the kite. Soon I was sailing over the other ocean. I got low enough to follow a school of whales, which was great because I’d always wanted to see them.

I got back over land and soon ended up back where I started.

Working With Trees

I worked a temp job today as a logger for a company called Jackson Logging. They brought 12 of us up from Chicago in a shuttle at 4:30 this morning. We worked in a small town called Muskakegan, Wisconsin. We were separated into groups of three. Two of us sawed, one managed the direction of the fall.

I'd never sawed down a tree before today. Normally I like hiking in a forest. I feel a deep freedom amongst the pines, oak and redwood. I feel they accept me as I am. They say, "Come on in, be yourself." I can walk hours at a time without a thought.

As I sawed I was amazed that I felt the same kind of calm. There was no sense of betrayal. I didn't feel like I was hurting my friends. Somehow I sensed an acceptance only a tree could give. It was like, "I'm happy to keep you company on a walk, or to be a piece of paper you may one day write on."

I had tears streaming down my face. Vince, one of my co-workers, asked if I was okay. I said, "No worries, I cut my hand, it's not deep, I'll be okay." I sensed he knew there was something else going on. But he could also tell I'm a private guy and respected my quiet place.

The Pot Hole

I was driving back late last night from performing at the Heartland. I was doing my best to avoid the pot holes in the road, but then I quickly came upon one that was wider than my car. I couldn't avoid it and went in.

I was scared, but then it was an amazing feeling to free fall in my car. I felt weightless. I was thinking, "wow, this car weighs two tons, but right now it feels like a feather." I dropped for about ten seconds.

Luckily the car landed in water. I liked being underwater. I imagined I was in a submarine on the bottom of the ocean. My headlights were still on and I saw a squid. It looked at me like, "what the heck are you doing down here?"

I mouthed, "Can you help me?" The squid nodded and latched its arms to my bumper and pulled me to the surface. I said, "Thanks." The squid had a tear in its eye. I said, "What?" The squid pointed one of its arms to its heart, then back to me. I started to cry and I said, "I love you too."

My Pet Shark

I got a pet shark. I bought it from a local pet store called Thee Fish Bowl. It saw it through the store window and knew I had to have it. The shark is 5 feet, 10 inches long. (Two inches shorter than me. I read it's important to be taller than your pet).

I had to buy a pretty big fish tank. It took about nine hours to fill up. I have a studio apartment and the tank takes up about a third of the space. But it's beautiful to behold. Plus it's nice to have the companionship. Shark's are amazing because their attention is always on you. I know in some ways it's because they want to eat you, but I have a feeling, given the chance, my shark wouldn't eat me.

Concerning the Ticket Requests

Since I let my blog readers know that I'll be the opening act for the Bruce Springsteen 'Working on a Dream' tour, I've been getting a lot of email requests for tickets. I get eight "give away" tickets per show. Four of the tickets are in the security booth. Those are pretty good because you can watch over 32 different screens (six of which are of the actual show). Two of the tickets are front row, but they are for sporting events, generally hockey games. And the last two are for the very back of the hall. But you get a Brooks Palmer's Better Late Than Dead! collector's seat pad.

Back to Basics

I found myself caught up in the trivialities of life. I decided to get back to the basics.

So today I walked the two miles to the lake and did my laundry. It was thrilling to beat my wet clothes on the rocks. I laid them out to dry in the direct sunlight.

Then I set to fishing for my lunch. I caught a sturgeon, a minnow and a blow fish. I built a small fire and was about to cook the fish when I felt sad that they would have to die so I could eat. But then I remembered hearing on the PBS show Nova that the average life expectancy in the Ocean is 26 seconds. That meant this is something they are used to. I cooked them up and then enjoyed the delicious feast!

Phone Call From the President

I got another phone call from Obama today. Here's the transcript:

Brooks: Hello?

Obama: Hello, Brooks, it's President Obama.

Brooks: Oh, hi. It's good to hear from you.

Obama: What are you up to?

Brooks: Nothing much. I ran out of stuff to do. I'm just sitting on my couch. I like it. It's comfortable.

Obama: You are so lucky. I don't have that kind of luxury here. It's busy time from the moment I wake up. I never get a moment's rest. I can't even take a nap. It's do do do do do all the fricken day. I was just hoping it would let up, but I don't see it happening. I just...I don't know.

Brooks: Dude, you know. You like to be really busy. Otherwise you wouldn't have run for President.

Obama: Yeah, of course. You're right. What was I thinking?

Brooks: It's okay. I'm your reminder guy. I'll let you get back to work. I'm going to continue sitting.

Obama: Okay, well then, always good talking with you.

Brooks: You too, bye.

Obama: Bye.

Last Night's Guest

Last night I was woken by something tickling my face. I opened my eyes to see a mouse fluffing her whiskers against my nose.

I said, "Yes, what is it?"

The mouse said, "Well, it seems that you cleaned yesterday because I can't find any crumbs on the floor. Would you be so kind as to get me something from your kitchen?"

I said, "Okay." I held the mouse in my hand and we got out of bed. We went to the kitchen and I got some cheese from the fridge. I put it in my hand and the mouse nibbled away.

When the mouse was done she said, "Thanks."

I said, "You're welcome. I'm going back to bed now."

The mouse cleared it's throat and said, "I'm wondering if I can sleep next to you? I'm feeling kind of lonesome. I promise not to wake you again."

I said, "Okay."

I got back into bed. The mouse lay with her back to my chest and we spooned. I fell asleep soon thereafter.

Going on Tour

I got the opening gig slot for the Bruce Springsteen Working on a Dream tour. It'll just be me, my stories and my harmonica on stage. I imagine there will be few people in the audience. Some will be coming to their seats halfway through my set. They might think I'm doing a sound check for Bruce. Perhaps some will listen in on what I'm saying.

I'm looking forward to traveling around the world. I'm thinking of getting a new suitcase. Perhaps one of those cruise line trunks. I can put stickers on it from each city I visit.

It's funny, but I almost bought a ticket for Bruce's show in Chicago. This was before I got the call and booked this gig. I went to the Ticketmaster booth and was about to give my money to the ticket seller. But then something told me, "Don't do it." That's good because I saved myself $100.

Accidentally Seafaring

Usually before I perform my stand up comedy on Wednesday nights I take a stroll along the lake. It relaxes me and clears my mind.

I took this walk last night. I stopped for a brief moment to take a look out at the horizon. I was standing on some ice that was on the edge of the lake when the ice broke off and I began floating away to sea. I called for help but there was no one around to hear me.

The wind was strong and it blew me in an easterly direction. At first I was scared. But when I realized there was nothing I could do, I relaxed and enjoyed the ride on this mini iceberg.

A few hours later I ended up on the shores of Michigan. I got off the ice and walked for a little while. I ended up finding a tavern called The Village Green and I went in. They were having an open mic night. I signed up. They had a good variety of performers. There was a juggler, and a few poets, and an old guy who sang my favorite Roy Rogers song, "Just About North of the Rockies."

I went on stage and told the story about my travels across the lake. People laughed and thought I was making it up. When I tried telling them it was true they laughed harder. I got angry and said I was going back home.

I left and walked to the shore. I noticed that the audience was following me. They thought it was part of my act. I got on my iceberg and pushed myself into the water. The audience was stunned. Some cried. One person apologized. There was a great applause. I waved and said thank you and sailed back home.

Unusal Morning Events

I woke up this morning and noticed that my bedroom was colder than usual. I sat up in bed and saw that the wall was gone. There was a big opening and cold air was pouring in. I put on my bathrobe and walked to the precipice. The entire side of the building had fallen off and was laying on the ground below.

It was amazing to look out and see the trees, snow, cars, and other buildings. Some people noticed me and waved. I waved back.

A pair of cardinals flew into my bedroom. They landed on my dresser. They looked at me to see if it was okay. I nodded yes. I put an old t-shirt on the dresser and they arranged it into a nest. One of them laid an egg.

What I Found In the Alley

This morning I woke up unusually early. I had the thought to get out my shovel and go to the alleyway behind my apartment.

I began to dig through the asphalt. Three hours later I was twenty feet under the surface when I hit some wood. I kept at it and discovered that it was a boat. By now there were some onlookers to this process. They volunteered to help and got out their shovels. Soon the entire boat was uncovered and we had it up on the ground above us.

I climbed into the boat and looked around. I found a bowl with the name Noah on it. Now, I'm not religious in any way. My parents gave me a Bible when I was four and I read through the Old Testament and got bored and fell asleep. My parents were upset and I told them, "Look it could be true, but just because something's true doesn't make it interesting."

Anyway, I talked amongst the others there and we figured it probably was Noah's boat. But I decided that it belonged me to me now and I took my new found friends and the boat and we went for a ride on the lake.

Better Late Than Dead

I was late getting to a meeting. I was angry at myself. I don't like being late. I think it's rude to make people wait. Why couldn't I have left on time?

When I got to the address of the meeting I was surprised to find the building in flames. The fire department did its best to save the people inside but in the end there were no survivors.

Better late than dead.

My Experience Playing Football at the Super Bowl

I worked at the Super Bowl today. I had a job as a wide receiver. I was hired to catch passes from the quarterback. It was a fun job. It reminded me of when I used to toss the football around with my Dad in our backyard in Virginia.

It was great to be in Florida. Usually I live in Chicago. It was nice to get away from the snow for the weekend. The team called the Steelers flew me down there. They gave me a book of plays. I had to memorize 45 plays. That was the hardest part.

Once the game started things got pretty exciting. There were so many people watching us. They were cheering so loudly it was hard to hear the quarterback call the signals. At one point I missed part of the signal and ran too soon and caused the team to get a penalty. My boss made me sit on the bench. I felt badly because I like doing a good job.

I made up for it later. My boss let me back in the game and I caught the football in the end zone. The team was pleased with me. I felt great!

I really enjoyed all the exercise I was getting. Usually with most jobs I sit for long periods of time. This makes me lethargic and antsy. Sometimes it gets to me and I quit. I don't want to. I means I don't get paid. But like I said, today was different.