It turns out...

Writing comedy is like mowing the lawn drunk. You think you did a good job.

Revelation

I was a slow typer. I decided to take a typing class. In three months I went from 12 words a minute to 73 w.p.m. I felt good to write as fast as my thoughts. Sometimes I would look down at my fingers and it looked like they were dancing.

There was someone in class who typed 132 w.p.m. I couldn't figure out how she could type so fast. Finally I asked her. She said that her dad was Fiddlin' Arthur Smith. He played fiddle with a Dixieland band called the Fruit Jar Drinkers. They were regular performers at the Grand Ole Opry. She used to watch him perform. She said he had lightning fast fingers. Sometimes they moved so fast they were a blur. She asked him how could play so swiftly. He said, "Sweetness, when I turn on the faucet, I let the water do its job."

That night I went to iTunes and downloaded Fiddlin' Smith's song, "Beautiful Brown Eyes." I played it while I typed. I got up to 75 wpm. I was frustrated. But then I heard a line in the song that said, "When I go to sleep at night, I dream of your beautiful brown eyes, those beautiful brown eyes, oh those beautiful brown eyes" and I started to cry. I couldn't stop. I soaked the front of my shirt. I thought, "Oh, my God, this song is about me, I have brown eyes!"

Drinking

I got a bottle of whiskey in the mail. It was a Christmas present from my sister. I don't drink. I thought, "What am I going to do with this?" I took off the cap and was about to pour it in the sink.

My pet iguana was watching me. He said, "Hey, can I have a little of that?"

I poured some whiskey in the bottle's cap and set it in his cage. He lapped it down fast. He started singing, "Another One's Bites the Dust." The thing is, he just kept singing the chorus. After about a half hour it started bothering me.

I said, "Excuse me, but can you stop singing that?"

The iguana got angry. He stood on his hind legs and said, "You can't tell me what to do. You think you're my owner? Go to hell!"

He passed out. I poured out the rest of the whiskey.

I was concerned for the iguana. I put a little cotton ball under his head for a pillow. I dissolved an aspirin in his water bowl which I'm thinking will be helpful when he wakes up tomorrow morning.

Away

Every Christmas I take my boat out on the lake by myself. As I was rowing tonight, I thought, "Oh, my God, it's soooo cold! Why do I do this?" And then I got way out there and stopped and I remembered. It was so quiet. I felt peaceful. I was shivering. But I was happy.

I sat in my boat and looked out at pure darkness. The water was like ink. I couldn't see the horizon. The sky was mostly black, with the stars covered up by the clouds. I could feel my heart breathing. The only thought I had was, "Oh, wow, I'm not thinking anything."

I noticed the outline of a big grouper fish near my boat. It was looking at me and nodded.

I said, "Hello. Merry Christmas!"

The fish said, "The same to you."

I was a little upset that my silent time had been disturbed. But then we didn't say anything for a good half hour. It was nice being silent together.

A Nice Present

I got woken up late last night by a noise in my living room. I got out of bed to check it out. It was Santa. He said, "Sorry, I'm a day early. I hope you don't mind. It's just that I found I couldn't get it all done in one evening."

I said, "It's okay. It's a nice surprise."

He handed me my present. I said, "Can I open it up early?" He nodded yes.

I opened it up. It was a bag of coal. I was so excited!

I said, "Oh, my God! This is great! I love drawing with charcoal, and I like using the briquettes more than charcoal sticks because I like gripping when I draw. It's more primal."

That's true. I'm inspired by cave paintings.

Being Santa

I got a job as Santa at Macy's. I dressed up in the suit and went out and sat in the big red chair. I looked out at the line. They were all adults. I said to the elf assistant, "Where are their kids?" The elf said, "No kids."

I said, "Ho-ho-ho, okay, who's next?"

This older guy came up to me. He was about sixty. He sat on my thigh. He was heavy.

I said, "Tell Santa what you'd like for Christmas."

The guy was weary. He sighed. I said, "Don't be shy."

The guy said, "Well, Santa. I'd like to not feel so lousy when I get up in the morning. And I'd like to get over my TV addiction...." He started coughing. The elf handed the man some kleenex. The guy coughed into it.

I didn't know what to say. I thought it was best to listen and be encouraging. I said, "Okay, well have yourself a merry little Christmas."

He looked away and quietly said, "Thank you, Santa."

He got up and left. A woman came up and sat on my knee. I said, "Yes, young lady, tell Santa what you want for Christmas."

She said, "Santa, I want to be able to sleep through the night. I wake up so much. I never feel rested. I'd also like to stop worrying so much. It's not like I have a lot of problems. But I can't stop worrying...Umm, I'd like to lose some weight. Not a lot. Just twenty pounds." She was crying.

I looked over at the elf for assistance. He shrugged. I nodded towards the tissue box. He grabbed a few tissues and handed them too her.

I waited while she dried her eyes and then said, "Okay, well, um, Santa will see what he can do...Merrrrry Christmas!"

She got up slowly and thanked me.

Next was a very elderly man. He walked slowly with great difficulty. He very carefully sat on my leg. He was so light that I could barely tell he was there.

I said, "Ho-ho-ho, and what would you like for Christmas?"

He didn't say anything for a while. Then he said, "I don't want anything. I'm tired and need to rest."

I said, "Okay, take your time."

Growing Up

I never finished public school. I got as far as third grade and I lost interest. I stayed at home and watched a lot of TV and took naps. My parents went along with what I did. They knew that if they tried and forced me to go to school, I wouldn't have been open and I would have learned nothing.

Sometimes I would leave the house and take long strolls outside. I walked without a destination. I became fascinated with sidewalks. I loved their different sizes and textures. I liked how some were new and shiny, and others were faded by thousands of footsteps.

Some days I would go for a walk in the woods. I'd bring an axe with me in case I found a fallen tree. When I discovered one, I'd carve away at the tree. Sometimes I'd carve the figure of a tree. Other times I would carve a tombstone.

Five years went by. My father took me aside and said, "I wish I could leave my job and do what you do?"

I said, "Great."

The next day he quit work and followed in my footsteps. Sometimes we'd watch the same TV show. Or if we had different shows we liked, we watched separately in different rooms.

He got a fascination for pine cones. He'd spend the entire morning collecting them. The afternoon would be spent investigating them.

My mother got upset at my dad for quitting his job. She'd say, "Why are you doing this?" He'd say something like, "It's giving me the chance to finally grow the beard I've always wanted."

She got so resentful of him that I said to my mom, "Why are you so angry at dad?"

She said, "Because I don't want to work either."

I said, "Okay, good."

She quit work the next day. We had to get a third TV for the times we all wanted to watch different programs.

Snowman

I was leaving my house this morning to go to work and I was stopped by the snowman in my front yard.

The snowman said, "Hey, I was wondering if you can take me with you?"

I said, "Really?"

The snowman said, "Yes. I'm bored and I think I'd like the change of pace."

I said okay. I backed my car up to the front yard. I tipped the snowman over into the passenger seat. I put on it's seat belt and drove to work.

When I got to work, I got a cart from shipping and receiving and put the snowman on it and pushed him up to my office. I set him on the floor. I turned off the heat, closed the door and opened the window. I had to wear my coat while I worked, but I didn't mind.

In the evening I drove back home with the snowman.

The snowman said, "Do you like working at your job?"

I said, "Sometimes. Though some days I envy you, just hanging out all day in the yard."

The snowman said, "I was feeling the same way about you having a place to work everyday. But then after spending the day with you, I changed my mind."

Conversations with My Robot

This morning I asked my robot, "Do you feel love?"

My robot thought for a second and then said, "My awareness has noticed that sometimes I favor a few things more than others. Is that love?"

I said, "Yes."

My robot said, "Oh, no."

Free Falling

I went walking out on the ice covered Lake Michigan. It was scary at first because I was afraid I would fall through. I tip-toad. But then I thought, "It's not how hard I step. It's all about my weight." The ice held up like I was walking on concrete.

I relaxed and ran and stomped like a crazy man. I fell over a few times. Sometimes I slid. The ice was flawless, so I would glide for about a minute.

Because I was having such a good time, I lost track of where I was. I couldn't see any land. There was just ice stretching everywhere. The sun had dipped down beyond the horizon so I had no idea of which direction to head.

I thought to just stand and wait and it would come to me which direction to walk. But I didn't get the feeling. Mostly I was aware of how quiet it was. The wind whistled by me now and then, but it didn't affect the profound silence. I thought I could get swallowed up by it. I couldn't move my feet. I thought, "Oh, no. I'm going to freeze."

I felt a nudge from behind. I managed to turn around. There was a polar bear a few inches away. I figured I was hallucinating because they're not native to Chicago. It made sense because one of the symptoms of hypothermia is imagining things that aren't there. Then I remembered another symptom is you no longer feel the cold. You actually experience the feeling of warmth of sun. I thought, "Well, at least I'm going to have a fun death."

The polar bear held out it's paw. I took it in my hand. We walked along the ice. At one point I started to skip. The polar bear didn't. I don't think their bodies can do it.

I started to lose sensation in my feet. I fell to the ice. The polar bear picked me up and put me on his back. I held on to his thick fur. I started to feel warm again. It didn't feel like the imaginary kind. I fell asleep.

I woke up in the hospital. I had a bunch of i-vee's in my arm. One of my feet were bandaged. My head hurt a lot. The nurse came over and asked how I was feeling. I said, "soooo tired." The nurse said, "You're lucky to be alive...There's someone waiting to see you." The nurse opened to door to my room and said, "You can come on in."

The polar bear walked in. He said, "I'm so glad you're going to be okay. You know it's really strange. I never come this far south. But I found myself walking this direction. And then, lo and behold, I found you."

I said, "I thought you were a hallucination."

The polar bear said, "I know, I thought the same thing when I first saw you!"

NYC

I won an all expense trip to New York City. I'd never been there before. I got in Monday morning. I walked around Times Square. I got overwhelmed by the lights and tall buildings. There were too many people. I ran away.

I kept going until I got to Central Park. I felt calm again. I walked along a pond. A frog waved at me. I nodded back. The frog caught a fly with its tongue. It asked me if I wanted some. I said, "No, thanks."

A squirrel came up to me. I said hello. The squirrel asked me if I had any nuts. I said no. She seemed upset. I asked if that was so. She said no, that she was generally nervous.

I walked by the zoo. I looked at a hippo in its cage. The hippo asked if I was from out of town. I said yes. The hippo asked me to jump the fence and come over and scratch its back. I did. I was scratching the hippo's back when one of the zoo employees yelled at me to stop doing that.

I moved on till I got to an open field. I laid down and closed my eyes. The sun felt good on my face. I felt a tickle as an ant crawled up my neck and then to the tip of my nose. The ant said, "Excuse me!"

I opened my eyes. "Yes?"

The ant said, "You're laying on our ant hill. I'm wondering if you could please move?"

I said, "Hey, I didn't know, alright?! Jeez, seriously, do you think I actually decided to lay on top of your friggen' house?!!"

The ant said, "Hey, calm down. I was just asking you to move, that's all."

I sat up. I said, "No, I'm sorry. I'm not usually like this." I put the ant on my fingertip to set it down.

The ant said, "Gottfried Leibniz, the 17th century French philosopher was known for creating optimism. He felt that our Universe was the best possible one God could make. When we think it's otherwise, well, we might as well piss in our shoes."

oh, hi...I wasn't expecting you. Come on in.

I was sitting around thinking of a story that I could tell you when you stopped by.

I was mulling over one about a polar bear who doesn't like living in the arctic. He shaves himself and moves to Central America. He moves into a cave with a Grizzly Bear he met online. The thing is he couldn't stand the heat. He can't move back up north without his coat. He ends up moving to a zoo in North Carolina. He loses his motivation and sulks and families that visit his cage end up complaining. He's fired and sent packing.

The polar bear wanders through the Smokey Mountains and gives up and decides to kill himself. He stands at the edge of a cliff, ready to jump, when he's interrupted by a squirrel who tells him, "Look, no one's happy. Most of the time we're a mixture of emotions. We get confused and depressed when we think we should only be one of them." The polar bear relaxes. He gets a job as a forest tour guide. He's been there two years and last week he found out he was picked as employee of the year.

Yes, I think that will be today's selection. I hope you don't mind being here for the behind the scenes.

I wish I had some snacks for you. I made some cookies earlier. The thing is they were delicious. So, you know, well...I ate them.

Helping Out

I was walking across the bridge near my home. I noticed an elderly lady standing on ledge of the bridge, looking down at the river.

I said, "Are you okay?"

She looked at me. She was crying and trembling. She said, "I'm jumping. You can't stop me."

I said, "Okay. Then I was wondering if you can do me a favor?"

She said, "What?"

I said, "Well, I have a pet bear. Her name is Mildred. I got her from a circus that was passing through town about two years ago. She wasn't able to balance on the big ball and juggle anymore. They were going to put her down. But I offered them some money and they sold her to me. Anyway, I've really been enjoying her company. But last week we were watching a documentary about Yosemite on the Discovery Channel, and I noticed Mildred had tears in her eyes. It breaks my heart to think of letting her go, but I think her real home is in the deep woods. I'm wondering if you can take her?"

She said, "What?!? Why can't you take her?"

I said, "Because I know myself, I'll drive there and I won't be able to do it."

She thought it over. She looked down at the river, then back at me.

She said, "Alright."

I helped her down off the bridge's ledge.

I said, "Thanks, you're really helping me out."

We began to walk towards my house.

She said, "You know, I used to be in the circus when I was a young girl. My parents' were clowns. I was born on the road. I learned how to be shot out of cannon. It was fun for me. I used to like looking down as I sailed from the cannon to the safety net. I remember once gazing down at the lions in their cage. They were looking up at me. They had such a look of curiosity. I imagined they were thinking, 'Wow, she can fly.'"

Request

I went for a walk to the local grocery store. It was snowing pretty heavily. Snow drifts from the side of buildings made it impossible to walk on the sidewalks. I had to walk on the side of the street. Cars were swerving on the ice and snow on the roads. One car started sliding in my direction.

I began to pray: "Dear God, It's been a long time. I think I was nine and it was the night before the big football game. I asked you to help my team win. The next day we lost. I was so angry, I became an atheist. Tonight I'm willing to take another chance that you actually might exist. A car is heading towards me. I can't dodge it. This looks like the end for me. Unless you were to intervene. I'm thinking that if you do exist, this is a good chance for you to make amends and increase your fan base. On my end, if you ceased my demise, I will do the following things: One, I will clean my bathroom. It's been bad enough lately that it's actually been bothering me. And two...I can't think of anything else, but generally similar things. Amen."

I closed my eyes. I heard a crash. I opened my eyes. The sliding car had slammed into the car behind me. I was unscathed. I was so happy. I leaped into the air. But I didn't come down. I was actually hovering over the wrecked cars. I saw my body between them.

I said to God, "What the fuck?!? Well, that's it. Yeap, I was right all along."

God said, "I'm sorry, Brooks. I was distracted. What did you want to ask me?"

I said, "Nevermind."

The Cure, part 2

I was feeling down. I went for a walk to try and get out of it.

I came upon a police officer sitting on a horse. The horse said, "Things got you down?"

I said, "Yeah."

The horse said, "Sometimes when I feel sad, I'll think about when I was a young colt running free across the open terrain of North Dakota. I'd race with the other young colts. The wind was at my back. I felt like a living lightening bolt."

I said, "You've never lived outside captivity have you?"

The horse said, "No, but it's never stopped my imagination."

I said, "I'm feeling better. I always get that way when I talk with animals."

Looking at Art

I couldn't figure out what to do. So I wrote a letter to the Louvre in France. I put a lot of stamps on it. I brought it down to the mailbox. I got in the envelope, sealed it, and then fell into the mailbox.

For a couple of days I got tossed around a lot. The next thing I know the envelope is opened up. You should have seen the look on the person's face. They said something in French. I got out of the envelope and stood up. It felt good to stretch. I looked at the person and shrugged because I don't speak French.

I left the room and walked into a big open space. It turned out to be the lobby of the Louvre. I was so excited. I walked around and looked at the exhibits.

There was a really good one by Vermeer called the Lacemaker. He's one of my favorite painters. His paintings are what cartoons would look like if they had sunlight.

There was a big line to see the Mona Lisa. I didn't go because I don't like standing in lines. It's one of the reasons I don't go to theme parks, even though I like the rides.

There was a whole wing of Renaissance paintings. They are well done. The thing is, when I look at them, I feel a connection with the person in the painting, and I can sense we are both thinking, "This is awkward."

I couldn't believe they had a Norman Rockwell exhibit. Museums don't usually carry his paintings because he was happy.

The Cure

Blistening Pharmaceuticals announced they had come up with a cure for boredom. I went to the drugstore and bought a bottle. I went out to my car and took two pills. I sat in my car and waited.

Eight days went by. I was enthralled. I enjoyed watching the sun rise and fall through my windshield. I really liked the feeling of the driver's seat. I loved the sound of the wind rising and falling against my car windows and how it occasionally rocked the car. I curiously looked in the glove compartment eleven times. It was great to feel sleep take me over. I was intrigued to see how I would wake up. Sometimes my head would be resting on the steering wheel. Other times I would wake laying down across the passenger seat.

Measurement

I was walking through the desert.

I heard a, "Hey" and looked over to see a scorpion sitting a foot away on a rock.

I said, "Hello, scorpion."

The scorpion said, "What a nice day."

I said, "Yes, it is."

I thought about how amazing is the distance between something being deadly and something being kind.

Hi and Welcome

Thanks for stopping by to visit my blog site. I haven't written anything yet for today. But feel free to relax and hang out. I left open space on either side of this blog so you can take a stroll or nap. Just remember when you leave to take whatever you brought with you. Yesterday someone left a cheese grater and a blanket. I think they had a picnic and nap.

Reflective

I got home late. I drew a bath so I could relax and prepare for sleep. I added Mr. Bubble. The thing is, I miss-poured. I was supposed to add a cup and I spaced and poured in most of the box. The bubbles overflowed and filled my entire bathroom and spilled out into the hallway. I had to feel my way to find the tub. I sat in the water, engulfed by the suds, and watched the lights reflect off the bubbles. I thought, "This is what it's like inside of a diamond."

Alchemy

I was feeling kind of dizzy. I had a bad sense of where I was going. I stepped out onto my patio and fell over the ledge. I live on the 65th floor, so I had a little time to asses. I thought, "Okay, this is a kind of bad move on my part, but I am sort of out of it, so I'm going to let myself go on that. Anyways, I haven't much time, so, hmmmmm, what to do?"

I landed in the pool. I think because I landed laying flat rather than a dive, I didn't hit the bottom of the pool. Still, it hurt. The great thing is it got me out of my spacey state. I swam to the side of the pool and sat on the edge. I squeezed all my body parts to make sure I wasn't damaged. Tender, yes, but not broken.

I took the elevator to the 65th floor. I rang the doorbell. My dog, Chancellor, answered.

He said, "What the hell happened to you?"

I said, "I fell over the ledge."

Chancellor knows me well, so he didn't question my answer. He brought me to my room, got me out of my wet clothes, and gave me a towel to dry off. I put on some sweat pants and a cotton jacket.

I laid down on my bed and thought about a quote from Paul of Taranto, an alchemist from the 13th century. He said, "The quantity of three resides in the quantity of four." I'm thankful a bigger world supports me.

Golf

I've never played golf till today. I went to the Oak Brook Hills Resort out in the western suburbs of Chicago. It's exclusive, but I have the money and I paid. I rented eight caddies and a set of golf clubs.

I was really crappy at first. I had a hard time hitting the ball. When I finally did, it didn't go far. One of the caddies started to complain and I fired him. One of my other caddies, his name was Derrick, took me aside and said, "The ball is the switch, and when you flick it, you turn on the lights." I took that to heart and hit the ball solidly. It went far, way out into the woods. I gave Derrick a fifty and I went after the ball.

I found the ball sitting next to a rabbit who was waving its paw. The rabbit said, "I thought I'd help." I gave my caddy, Lou, $30 and told him to go to Dominick's and pick up a twenty pound bag of carrots and give it to the rabbit.

I took the shot with a little less impact and it ricocheted off a tree limb and landed back on the green. This made sense to me. I played a lot of pinball when I was a kid, and learned that you have to bounce off the things around you to stay in the game. I hit the ball again and clanked off a moving golf cart. That brought the ball to the putting green.

By now the word was out about my generosity and there was a bevy of forest animals all waiting alongside the green. I nodded towards a mole. The mole came over. I said, "What do you like?" The mole said, "Worms. As many as I can fit in my mouth." I motioned a caddy to come over. I said, "What's your name?" She said, "Angelina." I said, "Angelina, I noticed a bait shop a half mile north away from the course on my way in this morning. I need you to get me two pounds of fresh worms for my mole friend." I gave her twenty and she was on her way. I looked at the mole and then nodded towards the green. The mole burrowed a straight line to the hole. I got a putter and hit the ball and it rode the ridge of the mole's work like a bowling ball alongside a gutter ball preventer, and went in.

I played the next 16 holes with the support of anything I could find. But when I got to the 18th, I was basically exhausted and by then a lot of people were following and watching me play. So I took everyone to lunch, and while we were eating I had my caddy Denny, carry the ball and drop it into the hole.

What a great day!

Sanctity

I went to church this morning. I always sit in the back pew. I'm happiest there.

But this morning the back pew was full. I had to sit in the third row from the front. I was okay briefly. But then I could feel people's prayers moving forward past me. It was unsettling. I tried to brush them off, but they stuck to my hands.

I got up and went to the front where the priest was leading the service. I dunked my hands in the holy water so I could wash off the prayers. People got upset. I wasn't being disrespectful. I figured the prayers now had a better chance of being answered. But I was asked to leave and not come back.

I sulked as I walked home. I was disenchanted and felt low.

But then a raven flew in front of me and flapped its wings in place.

I said, "Yes?"

The raven said, "Stop your sobbing. Really, you make too much of things. When one thing wears out, you get another."

I said "Okay." I felt myself standing taller. I walked with a stride.

I soon came upon a clown. He was a street performer. He was juggling and quite badly. He got down on himself about it. I laughed. I stayed through his whole show.

Beheld

I took my plastic Christmas tree out of the attic and set it up in the living room. I got out the garland and the ornaments and hung them on the tree. I set a plastic gold star on the tree top. I even added the lights. I sat on my couch and beheld.

I heard a sound coming from the window behind me. It was the pine tree besides my house brushing up against the window panes. I opened the window.

I said, "Yes?"

The pine tree said, "Are you upset at me or something?"

I said, "No. Why?"

The pine tree said, "Well, you put a fake tree up inside your house, and you dressed it up really fancy, and you've been adoring it and you haven't looked out at me all day."

I said, "I'm sorry. It's just that I didn't think you were into this."

The pine tree said, "Well...I am. I'm sorry. I know that sounds stupid."

I said, "No, not really. I'm glad you've told me how you're feeling."

I took all the shiny accessories off the fake tree and brought them outside to the pine tree. I got a ladder from my garage and adorned the pine. I plugged the lights into an outside outlet. I finished up by putting the fake tree out by the trash and then I sat on the ground and beheld the pine tree as it glowed.

I said, "You're beautiful!"

The pine tree said, "Thank you, thank you so much!!"

In Preparation

I'm typing my blog from outside the Wall-mart in Skokie, Illinois. I'm camping out for the Black Friday big sales event. The store opens at 5 am. I'm very excited.

I need to be ready and aware. I'm deliberately not making friends with people in line so there will be no distractions come the big day. Last year I made the mistake of befriending five people. When the doors opened that Friday morning, two of them fell over in the stampede. I had a great start, but my conscience made me turn around and help them. That delay resulted in me giving my kids the Condensed Dickens Volumes 2 and 4, and a bag of marbles for Christmas. They didn't speak to me until March.

Doing What I Can to Help

I help turkeys hide out during the week of Thanksgiving. They stay in my apartment until the day after the holiday.

I'm not a vegetarian. I actually eat turkey on Thanksgiving day. Just not any of those I'm helping to hide.

This Evening

I was sitting on my couch, watching the news. The newscaster was talking about the Senate's debate over the health care bill. Suddenly she stopped and looked straight ahead. She didn't say anything for a good ten seconds.

Then she said, "You don't seem to be enjoying this. It's making it hard to do my job."

I thought, "Is she talking to me?" My heart was beating loudly. I said, "Are you talking to me?"

She said, "Yes. Why are you watching if you're not enjoying this?"

I said, "I don't know, I mean I was thinking I needed to be more informed about what's going on and -"

She sighed. She said, "Just turn it off. Seriously, this is not helping."

I said, "Um, okay." I turned off the TV. I felt really strange. I've never had that happen before. I kind of sat there for a little while.

Then I got up. I went outside to my backyard. It was pitch black. My eyes weren't adjusted. I looked up at the stars. The city lights made it so I could only see some of them. But they were pleasing to look at.

I looked over at my neighbor's house. He was watching TV. I saw the screen. It was the same newscaster. She was delivering the news. Suddenly she stopped and stood up. She pointed and said something. My neighbor opened his window and said, "Excuse me, but the newscaster asked me to ask you to please stop watching."

I said, "I'm sorry."

I went back to looking at the stars.

Me and My Tree

I own a sequoia tree. It's deep in the Redwood Forest. I go and visit it every few months. I have to drive up to the forest and then hike for five miles to get to my tree. I sit down at it's base and spread a blanket. I get out food and have a picnic. I bring foot long plant food spikes and push them in the ground near my tree's roots.

I also talk with my tree. Here's some of the conversation from my trip last Friday:

The Tree: So, what have you been up to?

I said, "I finished my second book. It's about how clouds are depressed. They feel badly that people get upset when they block the sun. The clouds take it personally. They are just going their job. If they didn't do what they did, famine would spread over all the lands. I think it's going to be a bestseller. How about you?"

The Tree said, "A robin family built a nest on one of my branches. I don't mind because I like robins. Sometimes their chirping wakes me up from naps, and I get irritable, but then I realize it's robins and I'm happy."

It Helps

When I feel nervous, I think back to the time before I was conceived, and I relax.

What I Saw

Tonight I came home and started to get ready for bed. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I put toothpaste on the brush and looked at myself in the mirror as I started to brush and I was somewhat surprised to see a bear's face. Of course, at first I jumped back and put my hands in front of my face. I think that's pretty normal. But then I saw bear paws over a bear's face and I got it.

I continued brushing. I thought, "Wow, do I have sharp teeth." I looked at my wet nose. It looked so shiny under the bathroom's strong lights. I opened my mouth wide as I brushed. I thought, "Boy, I bet I could fit a whole fox in there." I spit out the toothpaste and washed my mouth out with water. I took out my contacts. I looked at my face in the mirror again. I was a blur. I felt a little sad because the specialness was gone.

Service

Last night there was a knock at my door. It was one of the meteors from the big meteor storm a few nights ago. It had gotten lost from the pack. It was tired and hungry. I cooked the meteor some eggs with potatoes. After wolfing down the food, it laid down on my couch. We started to watch the Daily Show. Within a few minutes the meteor was snoring. I turned off the TV, put a blanket over the meteor, and shut off the light.

It feels good to help the universe.

Afternoon Visit

I went for a walk down an alleyway. Suddenly I felt the ground shake, and saw the asphalt buckle. A sinkhole opened in front of me. It came up to my toes. I looked down and saw for miles. Way down there were the flames of hell.

I heard a voice call out from down there, "Hey, come on down."

So I jumped. It was a long fall. At first I was nervous, but then I relaxed. There was no wind. Just increasingly warm air.

Finally I landed in a lake of fire. I got out and walked ashore. It was beautiful down there. There was so much fire that it made everything look golden. I thought, "This is the closest experience to being on the Sun."

Satan came up to me and said, "Welcome to hell." I thanked him. Satan showed me around. We had lunch. I had an egg salad sandwich. Satan had an omelet. It turns out that in hell they only serve food with eggs. I was glad because I needed a little extra protein.

Hell is pretty big. It went on for miles. I got tired. Satan got us a golf cart and we drove around for a while. I started to get bored. I'm amazed that even the most interesting experiences begin to feel normal after a while.

I said I had to go. Satan thanked me for visiting. I thanked Satan for inviting me and showing me around. I went back up. I had to take the stairs. That took a very long time. There's a point where I think I'd walked up 12,000 steps and I experienced an illusion that I was now walking on a flat surface. That was so weird!

wonder

I work one day a week at the Wonder Bread factory. I kneed bread. That's all I do. I work Tuesdays from 4 am till noon. I love my job. I'm exhilarated by the smell of yeast. I'm enthralled by the warm feeling of dough between my fingers. I enjoy taking home a fresh loaf and making a tuna fish sandwich. I'm thrilled when I look in the mirror of my bathroom and see the powder of flour on my face.

One of my friends asked me, "If you like your job so much, how come you only do it one day a week?"

I said, "If I did it more often, I wouldn't notice."

They said, "But then you'd have more money and life wouldn't be so hard."

I took out a slice of Wonder Bread and ate it plain. I liked the feeling of dough in my mouth.

Second Opinion

I wasn't feeling well. I took the day off of work and went to the doctor. The doctor examined me and said I was healthy. I left the doctor's office and went outside and sat in my car.

My dog, Desmond, who'd been waiting for me in the car said, "What's the verdict?"

I said, "It turns out I'm healthy."

Desmond howled and said, "That's great news!"

I said, "Yes, but I still feel like crap."

Desmond said, "Yes, but sometimes...you're wrong."

Sweet

I went out to get some water. I drew the pail up from my well. I was surprised to find it filled with molasses.

I said down to the well, "Um, are you okay?"

The well said, "Yes. I was thinking you could use some sweetness in your life."

I said, "Well, why, what do you mean?"

The well said, "...it's just, um, well, actually, I thought, ahhhh, well you know...I just wanted to say I love you."

I said, "Wow, thanks. I love you too."

I took the pail of molasses and walked back to my house. When I got inside I poured the molasses down the drain. I'm allergic to molasses, but I didn't want to refuse the gift from the well because it would have hurt its feelings.

Late Night Friend

I laid in bed. I couldn't sleep. I got up and went outside. I looked up at the moon. The moon acknowledged me.

The moon said, "What's up?"

I said, "I can't sleep."

The moon said, "Oh, good, then you can keep me company."

We sang some folk songs. We played jacks. We played psychic telephone. At one point the Moon fell asleep. I didn't wake it because I feel when someone needs to sleep you let them. The moon woke back up and we spoke in Russian. Neither of us was very good at it. But late at night, those kind of things don't matter.

Lyrical Predicament

This morning I woke up inside my acoustic guitar. On a poetic level that sounds romantic, but it was actual and uncomfortable. I tried shifting my way out of the sound hole in the front of the guitar, but there was no room to maneuver an escape. I got frustrated and thought of kicking my legs through the guitar's wooden walls. But it was a really good guitar and I didn't want to damage it.

I didn't know how this happened. I went to sleep in my bed. My guitar was in my kitchen. But then I thought even if I figured out how it occurred, how would it help me out of the predicament?

What ended up happening was my dog, Burt, came into the room and saw me in the guitar. He came up and began licking my face. This loosened things up so my head came out the guitar's aperture. He kept licking me and eventually I slid all the way out.

Spirits in the Night

I'm related to John Paul Jones. He was a famous naval fighter in the Revolutionary War. I had a poster of him in my room when I was a kid. I used to look him in the eyes and repeat back his famous phrase, "I have not yet begun to fight!"

I looked to him for courage. I had an intense fear of monsters underneath my bed. At night I would shut out the light and sprint to bed before the monsters had a chance to attack me. I would pull the sheets over my head and lay still. I listened carefully for the monsters movements. I felt they were awake the entire night and would basically wait for me to get out of bed to go to the bathroom where they would attack and devour me. I wouldn't drink anything from 3 pm to insure my not having to go to the bathroom after I went to bed.

I lay in bed at night praying for the strength and resolve of Commander J.P. Jones. I knew it was in my blood. If I could attain this, then I had a chance to live.

Things came to a head on December 21st, 1967. I made the mistake of having drunk a glass of eggnog after dinner. I love eggnog. I woke up at 1 am and I had to pee. I thought I could hold it in till the morning. But eggnog is a diuretic. I basically had a handful of seconds before I would pee in my bed. Urine makes monsters go crazy. They would leave their home under my bed and rise up and attack me. I had no choice.

I threw off my sheets, stood up on my bed and screamed, "I have not yet begun to fight! I have not yet begun to fight!!" I lept off the bed and landed halfway across the room. I slid and slammed into my bookcase, knocking my car and dinosaur models all over the floor. I figured this unplanned move was in my favor since the monsters could possibly slip on them. They are vicious, but in no way agile.

I lept again, this time landing and sliding through the doorway. But it wasn't the door. My time and space radar was jarred from the bookcase debacle. I'd landed in the closet. A catastrophe of the unimaginable. This is where the monsters go when they are tired of being under the bed. I felt them apon me. I fought them but to no avail. They were on me from all sides. I screamed, "I have not yet begun to fight!!"

The lights went on. My parents yelled, "What the hell is going on?!" I yelled, "Save yourselves!" I fought as they pulled clothes from me that were wrapped around my head, neck and body. Clothes that had been just been on hangers. My dad reached down and pulled me up by my pajama top. He said, "What in the Sam Hill is going on here?!"

I couldn't say. Telling my parents would have put them in danger. Once you know about the monsters, they know about you. I said that I was sleep walking and I wouldn't do it again. My dad said, "You better not. Now get to bed."

I got in bed. He shut off the light. I pulled the sheets over my head. I listened. And then I remembered, I had to go to the bathroom.

feebly

I played chess in the park today. They have open boards and you find an opponent sitting by themselves and you sit down and play. I played a eleven year named Delores. I figured I could beat her because she was wearing a retainer that was tilted sideways, and she wore really thick glasses and she kept taking them off and rubbing her eyes, and she looked scared. I look for ways to win because it helps me with a new sense of confidence that I'm just starting to build out of sitting up straight, a tin of menthol cigarettes, and a VHS tape about P.T. Barnum.

Alas, I lost in less than a minute. She beat me in two moves. My inebriated ambition made me tragically reliant to cliched ineffectualism. I was blind to Delores's chess masterdom. I couldn't hold back my tears. I shook. Delores sat next to me and comforted me by patting my head. Unfortunately it made me cry harder.

Delores said, "Don't worry. As Carlos Albinger said, "Each one of us has our own places of excellence in which we sometimes grandly reside."

I thought about how I came up with mixing a can of tuna, kraft macaroni and cheese, and del monte string beans in my freshman year of college and I impressed some people on my dorm room floor. They said it looked bad, but tasted good. I felt strong again.

Help

Thanksgiving was coming up. I went to the grocery store and ordered a turkey. The next day the door bell rang and there was a turkey standing at my door.

The turkey said, "You're Brooks?"

I said, "I am. Who are you?"

The turkey said, "You ordered me at the Jewel. I'm your turkey dinner."

I said, "I didn't realize I ordered a living turkey. I can't see me killing you. I'm okay if you go free. There's a forest about two miles north of here."

The turkey said, "Thanks. But I've never lived outside. I've always been in captivity. Can I stay with you? I can help around the house."

I said, "Okay."

I've never had someone help me with keeping my home in order.

Time

I spent some time at the library. I read a book by Francis Chalmers called, "Frightening Ways of Time." She is a physicist at the University of Houston. She extols the wily devices that time employs in its endeavors. She says that time is so desirous of attention that it shakes rapidly in place thus creating space so it can be noticed. She said, "We can look at the egregious self manufacturing nature of time and label it notorious, but which of us is not guilty of similar inventions?"

Her words made me cry. I went online and got her email address. I wrote to her and said, "You made something that I saw as an ally into an outlaw."

She wrote back, "Time is the peace officer too. When you create, you modify, and thus you can't help but be responsible for your manufacturings."

I took off my watch and smashed it. One of the librarians came by and said I had to leave.

Universe Sailor

I was born in a spaceship. My mother was a Russian cosmonaut. She made it up into space. While there she delivered me. Technically it makes me a citizen of space. I have no World affiliations. This makes it hard to get a passport. I'm allowed into countries, but usually for the shortest amount of time. Kind of like if I go into a restaurant to only use the bathroom.

This got to be a frustrating way to live. Finally, I said why fight it. I built my own spaceship and I took off into space. I felt at home. When I needed exercise I went for spacewalks. When I desired to be on land, I would touch down on the Moon and walk around.

I have a space friend. Her name is Ivanika. She was also born in space from a cosmonaut mother. She built her own space ship too. Sometimes we see each other approaching and we'll wave. When we're feeling lonely we'll dock.

Snail's Pace

I have a pet snail. It's name is Aberdeen. I take it for walks. We watch TV together. Aberdeen's glass cage is right next to my bed. Every night before I go to sleep, I say, "Good night, Aberdeen."

My family says that I need companions beyond Aberdeen. They say it's unhealthy that I spend Christmas with just the company of my pet. They worry that I might be in some state of mental deconstruction.

But I've learned from Aberdeen that we have very thin shells protecting us and we need to do what's simple and easy, and that this makes us happy.

Passionate

I opened a can of string beans. I was surprised to find it filled with gold coins. I took one out. It was shiny like it had been newly minted. But the date on the coin was 1863.

I took out the rest of the coins. They were also from 1863. There were ten coins total. I felt pretty good. I mean, I like string beans. But I really like gold coins.

I took the coins down to a local jeweler to have them appraised. He took a look. He gasped and started crying. He said they were extremely rare. He said that in 1863, the Philadelphia Mint, which was where these coins were made, experienced a great and bizarre complication during the minting process. Most of the people who usually worked for the mint were temporarily working for the ammunitions plant making bullets and cannon balls for the Civil War. The mint was being run by novices. These newbies poured the liquid gold into the coin mold. There were ten coins to a mold. But when the mold was opened, the coins were missing. Detectives were brought in, the place and employees were searched, but the coins were never found.

I thought how amazing it is that a person can like their job so much it makes them cry.

Thinking of...

"I think I used to be a squirrel. This isn't bad because I can now go to the store for nuts."

Opps

I went for a hike early this morning. I came upon a hole in the ground. I went down inside to see where it lead. I used the light from my iphone to see the surroundings and found myself walking around some caves. They were cold and damp.

I walked a little further. I soon discovered an immense underground lake. The water was still. I went in. It was freezing! But the calm waters were so soothing. I swam for a couple of hours. I thought, "I want to live down here."

I exited the cave, got all my stuff, moved it down into the cave, right on the shore of the lake. I felt peaceful and at home. All of a sudden lights were turned on in the cave. Everything was illumined. People started showing up in droves. They ran or dove into the lake and swam wildly and splashed each other and talked loudly. It turns out someone owns the cave and charges people to swim in the lake. It's advertised as having healing qualities. There's a huge entrance.

I felt kind of dumb sitting there with my huge pile of belongings. I thought about packing it all up and going home.

But then I thought, "What the hell!" and I got a job as a life guard.

Logic for the Deceased

One of my relatives was the late General George Custer. Every once in a while he comes to visit me. I used to say his ghost, but it turns out people in a situation of being once alive do not like to be called ghosts. They prefer 'retired from living'.

He visited me earlier today. The interesting thing is ghosts don't knock. Even if you tell them, "Look, when you walk into a room unannounced, and you're dead, it has a way of making people unsettled." They may hear you, and apoligize and say they won't do it again, but they forget.

Custer walked into my living room. I jumped. He apoligized. I forgave him.

I said, "How are you today?"

Custer said, "I'm a little sad."

I said, "Why?"

Custer said, "Well, I was a brilliant commander in the Civil War. I did things that had even Grant uttering to himself, "Wow, how'd you do that?" But then I was involved as a General in the Indian Wars for a brief, short passage of time, and I ended up getting killed in a quite embarasing loss, and now that's all everyone remembers me for. It's bothersome!"

I said, "People remember me for accidently lighting the town Christmas tree on fire last year, but they seldom remember that I invented cheese. How fair is that?"

He said, "Hmmm,yes, I see your point."

L. Cohen

I was laying in bed, looking out the window, watching the tree grow.

I got a phone call. It was from Leonard Cohen. I was happy to hear from him. I told him I was going to see him in concert tonight.

He said that was why he was calling. He got my number from the list of people who bought tickets. He choose me randomly. He was feeling nervous about performing and wanted to know if it would be okay if he didn't perform.

I told that I'd be disappointed, but I would understand.

He was relieved. He said he expected me to be mad. He started to laugh. He must have laughed about three minutes. It was nice to hear him laugh. He's got a deep resonating voice. It sounded like a song with laughing for words. I told him that.

He said that was a really good idea. I could tell he meant it. Suddenly he was excited again. He said that he changed his mind and would now like to go ahead and perform this evening. He wants to do the laughing song. He said he wanted to give me co-writing credit.

I said that it wasn't necessary. I was just glad that his show was happening again.

Pompeii

My family are descendents from the volcanic disasters in the city of Pompeii. Our lineage goes back to Terentius Neo, a baker who lived in downtown Pompeii in 79 AD, the year of the occurance of the volcano.

As a result, when I was growing up, we had to go to Pompeii every year and pay our respects. It's not that odd of a thing. Many descendents return to the city on August 24th, the anniversary of the disaster. They dress in authentic clothing from the time and stand in the place where their relatives were thought to be at the time of the great event. I didn't like wearing the tunic though. I felt like I was wearing a dress. I'd complain to my dad and he'd say, "It's not a dress, it's a tunic!!"

Anyway, my dad would be dressed as Terentius. He'd stand on V St. and get out dough and begin kneeding. My sister and mom and I portrayed his helpful family members. My mom would go, "Terentius, there's a leak in the roof, can you please fix it before the rains come?" He'd grunt, and go, "Woman, is there no end to your requests?" and then go up onto the roof (it was a ladder he rented from the locals).

Once on the roof, he saw the lava approaching and would yell at us to run. But we couldn't hear over the erruptions of the volcano. Then we had to pretend we were baked alive by lava. My sister and I liked that because we got to scream and roll around on the ground. My mom prefered a silent death. She said stoicism was honorable.

Thinking It Would Be Better

I was frustrated with the way things are, and I decided it would be easier to go back in time, back to when things were simpler and easier.

I ended up in July 1st, 1863. I was in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. It turns out it was the first day of a three day battle during the American Civil War. There was a few second thrill of actually seeing something that I read about in American History in high school. But then it became treacherous as I was shot at and almost bayounted. Plus it was extremely loud. I don't know how people went to war and didn't go deaf.

I shot ahead to July 2nd, 1880. I was in Washington, DC. It was an exciting time. Horse and buggies shot by me on the street. Many people had beards. Women wore dresses that made them look like walking flowers. I thought, "Yes, a better time." But then President James Garfield walked by, there was some shouting and then shots ran out. Someone yelled, "The President has been shot!" I thought, "Oh, Jeez! This is ridiculous!"

Then I ended up on a beach in Europe. There was no one around. It was so relaxing. I thought, "Yes, finally!" But then I thought, "Wait, Europe, June 6th,1944...Normandy Beach. Oh, no!" Suddenly American troops began landing on the beaches. Bombs were exploding all around me. Gun shrapnel flew past me like rain. One scraped my arm. It hurt like hell. I began bleeding all over the place. I thought, "That's it!"

I was back to where I began. I thought, "Oh, this is nice..."

Transcriber

When I write, I lay on my bed and I say what I want to say out loud, and my dog transcribes by typing my words on the computer. He hits 'publish post' and it ends up on my blog.

He asked me to acknowledge his part. I don't mind. I need to be relaxed so the ideas flow freely. Sometimes I'm laying there and I still feel tense. So I have him come over and I pat his head. That helps me relax and the words flow freely again.

Stuck in a Hole

I was walking through the woods and fell into a hole. I must have fallen 16 feet. I looked at the sides of the hole, but couldn't find a means to climbing out. I yelled for help. I must have yelled for a half hour.

Suddenly an armadillo fell into the hole. The armadillo told me that it heard my cries for help and followed the sound. Because it was focused on finding the location of my voice, it didn't notice the hole. The armadillo felt dumb. I assuaged its guilt by saying that it meant a lot to me that it tried to help me.

We yelled together for assistance. Without warning, a bobcat fell into the hole. The armadillo and I were afraid at first. Bobcats can be fierce. But then the bobcat explained that it was trying to find us, and didn't notice the hole, and well, you know.

Within a period of a few hours, a tortoise, a sheep, an otter, a caribou, an aardvark and three rabbits had fallen into the hole in an attempt to save us. A beaver had fallen in too, but that was by accident.

We stopped yelling out loud for help because it was becoming obvious that it wasn't helping. The aardvark suggested we wait and see what happens. We sat silently.

Soon a squirrel stuck its head over the edge of the hole. It asked what we were doing down there. We explained. The squirrel then assembled pieces of vine, tied them to a tree, lowered the vine into the hole, and then one by one we all climbed out.

I apologized to everyone for the inconvenience. No one was particularly angry. As the otter said, "It's not like we were scheduled to be somewhere."

Odd and Good

I was driving home in the rain this evening. The rain fell so hard, I couldn't see out my windshield. I pulled over to wait it out.

I was sitting there when I heard a taping at my driver's side window. I saw that it was a duck. I like ducks, so I rolled down the window.

I said, "Yes?"

The duck said, "Um, I can't see where I'm flying and I was wondering if I could wait out the rain in your car?"

I said, "Sure."

The duck said, "Well, actually, it's not just for me. I was flying with a flock and I was hoping that you might have room for all of us?"

I said, "How many?"

The duck said, "14."

I said, "I think I can fit you all in."

The duck said, "Great". She motioned to her flock mates and they waddled over and got in my car. It was a tight squeeze. I didn't know this, but ducks express their agitation right away. So there was some loud disconcerting squaking as they tried to settle in. But then it went quickly tranquil.

I offered them some cashews. They accepted and ate them. Then we sat in silence for a while. The nice thing about hanging out with animals is it's never awkward to sit in silence.

The rain soon ended. They thanked me and started to leave. I asked them, "Where are you headed?" One of the ducks said, "a field outside of Springfield."

I said, "Oh, what the hell. I'll drive you."

A duck said, "Are you sure? You don't have to be somewhere?"

I said, "I never plan anything. Interesting situations consistently fill my schedule."

Pool Discussion

I went swimming in the hotel pool. It felt good to be under water. I let go of the pressures from my day. I was suddenly surprised to see a cod swimming next to me.

The cod said, "Where are you from?"

I said, "Evanston. And you?"

The cod said, "Lake Michigan. I got in this afternoon. I'm here for the conference on local fishing rights. I came to protest a possible extension of the allowable fishing area boundaries."

Like an idiot, I confessionally blurted out, "I had tuna for lunch."

The cod said, "No worries. This morning I ate my young."

Making Money

I bought a machine that makes quarters. I thought, "I'm going to go crazy with this and become a rich man!" But after a couple of hours, and 7 quarters later, I was exhausted and stopped. I took the $1.75 and went to the store across the street and bought a Milky Way and Twix bar. I ate them and felt better. I thought, "Well, I'm glad that worked out."

Easy Living

I made a house of balsa wood. It didn't take very long to make. About two weeks. I moved in and felt good about living in a home that I made myself.

I discovered the great thing about balsa wood is its lightness makes it easy for renovations. If I don't like a wall, I take it down in a minute. If I want a new room, I take some balsa scraps and quickly arrange it.

Another nice thing is termites hate balsa.

I do have to be careful because of the wood's soft and light nature. I step carefully. I can only hang the slightest of pictures on the walls. And I have to balance the furniture or else the home tips to one side.

Sometimes when it gets windy, I wish I reconsidered and gone with oak. But I know me, I would have run out of patience and never finished.

Taciturn

I went to the well in my backyard. I pulled the rope and drew up a bucket of water. I leaned my head towards the well and said, "Thanks, I appreciate it."

The well was silent.

I said, "Um, excuse me, is everything okay?"

The well said, "I'm sorry, but today I'm inclined towards silence."

I said, "Okay, I understand."

I unhitched the bucket of water and brought it inside. I poured some it in my dog, Blurr's, bowl. He lapped most of it up. I said, "How was it?"

Blurr said, "Good."

I poured myself a glass of water and drank it.

I said to Blurr, "Do you think the well's okay?"

Blurr said, "I don't know. I guess. Can you take me for a walk?"

I said, "Yes."

I took Blurr for a walk. We didn't say much. Even the trees were kind of silent.

Home

I flew back to Chicago. It was nice to be home. It had been a busy two weeks on the road. I unpacked and then went out to my backyard to relax in my hot tub. I turned on the jets of hot water and got in. I leaned back and looked at the stars.

An owl that lives in the neighboring chicory tree flew down to edge of the hot tub. The owl said, "May I join you?" I nodded.

The owl got in. It held its wings over the edge and floated next to me. We sat in silence.

A squirrel couple that lives high up in the oak tree came down and climbed to the tub's edge. They said, "May we?" I nodded. They came in and sat one on each of my knees and relaxed with their heads just above the water. I closed my eyes and relaxed.

When I opened my eyes, there was the raccoon, floating with it's arms hanging out over a bicycle inner tube. It raised an eyebrow for my okay. I winked.

I felt a wave of happiness and thought, "I can't remember where I've been the past two weeks."

Trying to Relax

I was feeling overwhelmed. I got out my shovel and went to the woods. I dug a four foot deep hole and then sat inside of it. I closed my eyes and relaxed. I started feeling better.

A grizzly bear looked over the edge and said, "Excuse me, but what are you doing down there?"

I thought, "God, can I ever get away?"

New Look

I'm working on a series of biographies that present a new look into the lives of famous people. Rather than point out their amazing accomplishments, I'm focusing on the mundane aspects. Here's an excerpt from, "Baltimore Resident: Edgar Allen Poe":

"Poe finished his meal and brought his dishes to the sink. He began washing the larger plate. He missed a few spots because he was tired. He finished washing the rest of the dishes. He got ready for bed. He lay under the covers and blew out the candle. His mind mulled over the day. He thought he would never fall asleep. But, as it always happens, he was soon dreaming."

Water

I rented a motorboat and took it out on the ocean. I got about a mile out when I found myself caught in a massive whirlpool. A part of me was terrified of going down this immense drain. Another part was in awe of its size and power. I tried to turn out to calmer waters, but I was sucked down into the depths. I ended up underwater. The funny thing is, I held onto the wheel because I thought I could steer the boat back up to the water's surface, I didn't realize a boat is not like a car.

I rode the boat to the bottom of the ocean. I actually sat there for a while. I think I must have been in some kind of shock. Luckily a swordfish came by and lightly tapped me on the shoulder with its sword nose. I looked towards the swordfish. It said, "I can help you, but you're going to have to let go of the wheel." I looked at my hands. They wouldn't let go. I had to mentally pull one finger off at a time. I got out of the boat and hopped onto the swordfish's back.

The swordfish road me to the water's surface and then back to shore. I got off. I said to the swordfish, "Thanks, I owe you my life." The swordfish said, "You're welcome. But it's not a big deal, I happened to be passing by." I said, "I know, but I appreciate it." The swordfish nodded. I felt a connection between us. That made the whole thing worthwhile.

A Pleasant Surprise

Tonight I bought a cello. I brought it home and set it up in my living room. I sat with the cello, took out the bow and commenced playing. It sounded horrible. I tried for fifteen minutes and it actually got worse. I got frustrated and kicked over the cello and threw the bow in the trash can.

My cat came in through the pet door. She looked at the cello on the ground. She spotted the bow, got it out of the trash, turned the cello upright, sat down and began playing. She played a variation of Mendelssohn's 3rd in E flat. It was spot on. I couldn't believe it. Her playing made me cry.

When she was done, I said to her, "How can you be so good? You've never played the cello before."

She said, "Since you're allergic to me, I have a lot of time to myself. For the past three years I have spent that extra time over at Fullerton Community College taking cello lessons. You haven't heard me play before because I rent the cello from the school, and they won't let me remove it from the premises, so I practice at the college. I was actually going to surprise you with a private concert for your birthday in March, but when I saw you in your sullen state, I thought now is better than later."

I said, "Thank you so much!" I moved to pet her.

She backed away and said, "No, no, remember your allergies!"

I stopped and said, "Your compassion knows no bounds."

On the Flight to LA

Early this morning I took a flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles. I had a window seat by the emergency exit. I couldn't see past the wing, so I decided to take a nap. I nestled against the window and fell asleep.

In retrospect, I think what happened was I somehow got my jacket sleeve entangled around the emergency exit's handle, and with basic sleepy time tossing and turning, I opened the emergency exit and flew out the window. I woke up as I was sailing through the air. I saw the plane off in the distance. The interesting thing is, I felt kind of stupid. That was funny to me because it's not like I was aware of what I was doing.

So I fell. I passed through a cloud. That was a weird experience because even though I know clouds aren't solid, I actually had a thought it would hurt upon impact. Then I sailed down past a flock of geese. The best part was seeing the look on the geese faces. I didn't know birds could be confounded. Then I dropped down past a passing airplane. I don't think I'll ever forget the look of amazement from a little kid gazing at me through one of the plane's windows. He waved and I waved back.

I looked down and saw the ground quickly approaching. I thought, "Well, it's been a good life. I wish it was longer, but you can't write the ending of your life." This is when the oddest of odd things happened. A thread from my jacket must have been stuck on the emergency exit doors latch, and it spindled from the plane to me and stopped spindling when it reached the jacket's double threaded waistband, so I was basically pulled from hitting the ground, and I became a kite behind the plane.

The plane's flight crew members reeled me in until I back inside the plane. Everyone in the plane was applauding. The flight crew closed the emergency door. I sat back down in my seat. I was happy I survived. It took a while for me to calm down.

The Day's Discoveries

I went out for a walk today along the Santa Cruz pier. I looked over the edge and saw a bunch of sea lions swimming in the water. They reminded me of dogs, the way they barked and played. I love dogs. I jumped off the pier and landed amidst the sea lions. I played with them like dogs. I chased them, they chased me. I pet the top of their heads.

They dove under the water. I followed them. They went hunting for lunch. They found a school of flounder and began devouring them. I was so excited that I joined in. I couldn't believe how delicious it was!

When we were done eating, we laid out on the parallel wooden posts under the pier and took a nap. I felt peaceful.

When I awoke, I was shivering and felt cold to my bones. I realized I wasn't meant to be a sea creature. I need warm clothes. I generally feel better on land. I said goodbye to my sea lion buddies.

I went back home. I went to the fridge and found a fresh salmon steak. I unwrapped it. I was going to prepare it for the oven, but instead found myself taking a bite of the raw meat. It didn't taste good. So I added herbs and oil and put it in a pan in the oven. In a half hour I took it out and ate it. It was pretty good!

Trying to Help

Earlier today there was a knock at my door. I answered and it was a tiger. I was too scared to say anything.

The tiger said, "This is really awkward but I escaped from the zoo this morning and I'm really hungry, and don't worry, I'm not going to eat you, but I was hoping you have some tuna. They only serve it once a month at the zoo and I really like tuna."

I relaxed and said, "Sure, come on in."

The tiger came in and we walked to my kitchen. I got out a can of tuna. I opened it. I put it on a plate and brought it to the kitchen table where the tiger was seated. The tiger took a bite of the tuna.

I said, "Do you have any plans for where you're going to go next now that you are free?"

The tiger said, "Probably back to the zoo. This tuna tastes like crap."

Surprise Assist

Today I took a break from working and walked into the woods. There was no path. I had to step over a lot of fallen trees and side step thick brush. About a mile into my hike, I came apon an easy chair. I was glad because I was tired and needed a rest.

I sat down. It was very comfortable. I was excited to discover that it reclined. I liked leaning back and looking up at the long tree trunks.

After about a half hour, I felt rested and walked back. Without a path, I was able to find my way back to where I entered. I think it's because I was clear headed from my resting up on the easy chair.

Driving Around Town

I was driving around San Francisco when there was an earthquake and the road cracked open and I couldn't stop from driving into the crevice. I free fell for about a minute and then I landed in an underground river. I remembered hearing about them in grade school. There are actual underground rivers running underground. I was so excited! I felt like I was white water rafting.

I must have been on it for a half hour. Suddenly I was ejected out and off the side of a cliff. I thought, "Oh, this can't be good." But then I landed on a cloud. The fog is so thick in the Bay Area that it can support a car. Eventually I got close to a road running along one of the cities hills and easily transitioned to the asphalt. I thought, "Things have an interesting way of working out."

Inspiration

I took a walk in the woods. I came upon a birch tree.

I said, "Hi, how's it going?"

The birch tree said, "I'm okay. What's up with you?"

I said, "I'm thinking about starting a paper business. We would make paper from the finest birch trees in the forest. The quality of the parchment would be of the utmost. Are you interested in being a part of this enterprise?"

The birch said, "Sure, that sounds good to me."

I got out my buzz saw and cut down the birch tree.

I'm noticing how I inspire others with my enthusiasm.

On the Road

I was driving to Michigan yesterday morning. I was on the freeway, going along pretty well, until traffic came to a halt. After an hour it still hadn't moved. I got frustrated. I got out of my car and walked to see if I could find out what was happening.

It turns out some forest animals had built a blockade of trees across the freeway. Standing by the trees was a badger, two bears, six antelope, 3 armadillos, 5 raccoons, an eagle, and 15 mice. They had enough of the freeway noise and used their methods to put a stop to it. People were yelling at the animals. The animals were refusing to budge.

I said, "You know, it is a lot quieter without the traffic. I think they have a valid point."

But then I thought to myself, "I wonder if I said that because I'm so captivated by animals?"

How it Came Together

I like to walk down alleyways. They are private and I can sing out loud without being embarrassed. Yesterday I was walking down the alley, singing the piano variations of Rhapsody in Blue, when I heard a rustling in a trash can. I stopped to figure out what was causing that noise. A raccoon stuck its head out.

The raccoon said, "Why did you stop singing? I'm playing along with you."

I said, "Oh, sorry."

I went back to singing. I noticed the racoon's trash can playing was a perfect syncing of the bass notes of the piece I was performing. I really enjoyed the combination of our sounds. I kept singing till I finished the piece. When I was done, the raccoon stuck out its head.

I said, "Do you want to form a band?"

The raccoon said, "Yes!"

Preferable

This morning I went to the well behind my house to get some water. I drew up the pail of water and was stunned to find it full of soda. It was Sprite. I could tell by the smell of the fizz in the air.

I tried hard to think of how this could have happened. But then I stopped when I realized how much I like Sprite!

Vegas!

I had the day free and flew to Vegas. I went to the New York New York casino. I like their slots. I played for about an hour and netted $255. I took myself to lunch. I got the 52nd Street Hot Dog plate. It's an actual hot dog from a vendor on 52nd street. It was vacuum packed and flown in that day. There is still steam coming off of it. It was delicious!

I went back to the floor and played Black Jack. I play with those eye covers they give you on airplanes to help you fall asleep. This way I don't see the cards the dealer presents me. I'm stuck with the feeling of the situation only. I'm a lousy thinker. I think too much. Words fill my head and I can't think straight. I won big. $23,895.00. I cashed in my chips. I got it in five dollar bills. It filled my pockets. I felt rich.

I went outside for a walk. I walked north for a while. I passed the city limits. I was walking in the desert. I got to the red painted hills. I sat down on a big rock. It was a pretty view.

I saw a pelican fly by. I was thinking it must have escaped from the Venetian Hotel. They have a pretty descent zoo in their casino. I waved. It flew down and landed next to me. We sat in silence for a while.

The pelican asked, "How did you do?"

I showed him the two big fistfuls of cash.

The pelican said, "Nice."

I asked the pelican, "How about you?"

The pelican opened it's big hanging beak and showed me 2 salmon, one catfish, and 6 grouper.

I said, "Not bad yourself."

New TV

I bought a new TV over the weekend. I set it up and sat down to watch TV. I got out the remote and clicked the power button. The screen came on, but it was blue with no picture.

I said to the TV, "Um, is there a problem?"

The TV said, "I'm sorry, but I don't feel like it today."

I said, "Why, is there something wrong?"

The TV said, "No, I just don't want to do it."

I said, "Well, I'm not comfortable with that. I'd like to watch my shows on you."

The TV sighed. It said said, "Could it wait until tomorrow?"

I said, "No, I'd rather not."

The TV was silent. Then Flight of the Concords came on. But it was in Spanish.

I got out the manual. I called the 800 service number. I told them what was happening. They asked me for the TVs serial number. I told them. They said the TV was made in a plant in Singapore, and it turns out that particular batch was moody. I asked if there was anything that could be done about it. They said it would help if I was more sympathetic towards the needs of the TV.

I shut off the TV. I turned it on later in the evening. I got the blue screen.

I said to the TV, "What's wrong?"

The TV said, "I don't know. I just don't feel like it."

I said, "I know, I understand. You don't have to play my shows. I can do something else. Why don't you take it easy?"

The TV didn't say anything. Then Midnight Run came on. It was in English.

Resolution

Yesterday a panda showed up in my backyard. She climbed up my poplar tree and began eating the leaves. This made me angry because I love to gaze at the tree's pretty foliage. I went out back and walked up to the tree.

I said, "Um, excuse me!"

The panda said, "What?"

I said, "Look, I don't care for you eating those leaves."

The panda said, "Thanks for telling me how you are feeling."

I said, "No, I want you to stop."

The panda said, "I got that the first time."

I said, "Okay, so it's going to be that way."

I walked back to my house. I called the zoo. I asked them if they would be interested in a panda. They went nuts and said yes. I gave them my address. They came over in an hour, shot the panda with a tranquilizer, put it in their truck, and drove away.

I think it's good to start out being reasonable.

Vampire!

I was walking home last night from performing at a local comedy club. I turned the corner and encountered a vampire. I couldn't believe it. He was standing on the sidewalk with his arms outstretched. He was wearing a cape, his face was pale, his eyes were bloodshot, and of course, he had fangs. He headed in my direction.

He said, "Prepare to become immortal."

I said, "What do you mean by immortal?"

He stopped. He said, "You'll be one of the undead. You'll live forever."

I said, "And how is that good?"

He looked puzzled. He said, "Well, you never have to die...you exist in eternity...you never have to eat food again...you get to stay up all night..."

I said, "The part about staying up all night sounds okay. But the rest I don't care for."

He looked dejected. He said, "Really? Are you serious?"

I said, "Yes. It sounds great. But I know myself. I'd get used to living forever and then it wouldn't be special anymore."

He said, "Well, do you know anyone who might be interested in this?"

I thought about it. I said, "No, sorry."

He walked on into the night.

I'm finding my life has become a lot simpler since I've been direct with people.

Notes

Some notes about myself:

1. I have a job digging ditches and laying gas pipes. It's hard work. I took this job because I'm not good at taking time from my day to exercise.

2. I don't like to take baths or showers. So when I'm washing dishes, I get in the sink. By simultaneity, I also get washed.

3. I don't like to go to bed before midnight. So I do other things until then. But I'm usually tired before midnight, and I end up falling asleep while eating, watching TV or while driving. The great thing is, I wake up a little after midnight, I go to my bed, lie down and fall asleep.

Morning Venture

I went swimming in the lake this morning. I happened to come upon a turtle. We ended up swimming together. I took a picture of her with my camera phone.

I was having such fun that I lost track of time. We swam all the way to the Ocean. I was a little scared. I'd never swam there before. My turtle friend sensed my apprehension and took my hand with her flipper. We ventured into the deep blue.

The amazing thing I noticed was how crowded it was. Do you know the experience of a mall the day after Thanksgiving? I couldn't believe the fish and other sea creatures weren't crashing into one another.

My Mistake

I felt the ground shake. I looked out my back window and saw that the mountain top had exploded and lava was flowing from the mountain right towards my house. I was so angry. Tonight was supposed to be my night to relax and take it easy. But then I checked my calender and was relieved when I saw that I was wrong. I'd scheduled Monday evening, not tonight.

Pets

My dog, Miser, bought a giraffe costume with some money she made from an Alpo commercial she did this summer. Once she put it on and saw herself in the mirror, she believed she was a giraffe. She refuses to take it off, and this embarrasses me when I take her for a walk. I guess it's my problem and not hers. It's hard being a human.

My Job

I make my money through gambling. I bet on pig races at the Barrington Hog International Race Tracks.

I'm not any good at the horse track betting. I'm pretty lousy at the greyhound races. But I have an intuitive sense with the piggies.

Today I made $1,725.00. That's pretty good for a high school drop out!

Making the Best of...

I woke up this morning and I was a turtle. At first I thought I was dreaming. I closed my eyes and hoped things would change. But I only felt more awake and worried. I opened my eyes and touched my shell with my flat turtle's foot. I thought, "This is going to be a problem."

But then I remembered something I read in a book recently that said, "Suffering is the distance between what is and what I think should be." I didn't want to feel badly anymore.

So I went down to Thee Fish Bowl, a local pet store and bought a case of Meyer's Turtle Food Flakes, came back home, started a bath, added the flakes, climbed in, and enjoyed breakfast.

Online

I spent a large part of Sunday working online. I was so focused that I was leaning towards the screen. Well, I guess I leaned too far forward and fell into the Internet.

Everything was amazingly bright. It was hard to look at the things around me without wincing. Sometimes I had to shield my eyes with my hands.

After a few moments I could see clearly. I saw huge words walk past me. They had a definitive sense of purpose. I got in their way and they swore and pushed me aside. Then these words vigorously joined up with groups of other words and formed sentences and paragraphs. It turns out they were putting on a news story.

Then a big photo slid by to join the words. The people in the photo looked at me. They must have sensed I was out of place. I heard one person say to another, "What's he doing here?"

It was all very exciting until I fell into a stream of numbers. They carried me with such ferocity that I thought I would get torn apart and turned into electricity. I realized it was the rivers of html, the undercurrent of the Internet. I thought it would be the end of me.

But the numbers buckled and coughed me up and I was spit up into YouTube. I got into a video screen and sent myself to my sister. She got the video, opened it up and I looked through the screen to her face. She laughed. She thought it was a silly video from me. But then I pointed out what she was wearing, and she got it. She had some of her coworkers hold one of her arms and she leaned in and grabbed and pulled me out.

It was exciting, but I've decided to cut back on the time I spend on the Internet.

In the Memory of Mary

I was writing from home today when Death came into my room. I was startled.

Death said, "Don't worry, I haven't come for you."

I said, "Oh. Okay, thanks...Then why are you here?"

Death said, "I'm looking for Mary Olsen. She lives in your building, but I can't find in which unit. I was wondering if you could help me out and tell me where I would find her?"

I was silent. I like Mary. I didn't want her to die.

Death said, "I know, you like her. I'm sure she's pretty nice. But this is my job. If you don't tell me, I'll have to go back to my office to get her address and so you're basically sparing her an extra hour. Is it really worth the effort?"

I said, "Yes."

Death sighed. He said, "Alright." He left.

I ran down to Mary's unit and knocked on the door. She answered.

She said, "Hi, Brooks. What's up?"

I said, "Oh my God, Mary, you're not going to believe this, but, Death himself was just at my apartment and he's looking for you, and I wouldn't tell him, and he left to go get your exact address and then he's coming back for you. So you've got to leave right now, quickly before he comes back!"

She laughed. She said, "That's funny. You should put that in your blog."

What I Did Today

I had some extra time today and took a rocket ship to the Sun. I landed and walked around. Initially it was really uncomfortable. It's incredibly hot and I didn't stop sweating. I thought, "This was a mistake."

But then I got used to it. I enjoyed watching the swirling fire. It was like watching the waves in the ocean, except it was flames.

Hitchhiked

Today I hitchhiked to work. I got a lift from an elderly woman. I thanked her and told her where I was going. She nodded and drove silently. I thought I should say something, but she seemed to enjoy silent driving. I relaxed and enjoyed the ride.

She dropped me off at work. I thanked her. She nodded and drove off.

I thought, "Maybe she was an angel." But then I thought, just because someone is very quiet and kind doesn't make them a winged happy time benefactor creature.

Hot Stuff!

I have a pet aardvark. His name is Felix. He is concerned with style. I take him with me to the Salvation Army thrift shop and he walks down the aisles looking for clothing that catches his eye. I took this picture of Felix in his new leg warmers that he got from the shop on Friday. He's been wearing them for the past three days straight.

I Dreamt of....

I drive a truck across the country, delivering cheese to various super markets. I like the time to myself. It's meditative to feel the road beneath the truck's wheels, and to see trees off in the distance, and to feel the sway of the wind against the truck.

Though the relaxation can be dangerous. Recently I fell asleep at the wheel. I dreamnt I was friends with a dragon. The dragon could fly, but since he was my friend, he would walk places with me. We'd walk to the store together. We'd walk to the movies.

Once when we were walking, the dragon saw that I was about to step into a hole on the sidewalk, and he stopped me.

I woke up, with my foot on the break. I heard my truck screaching. I saw a school bus in front of me. They had stopped to repair a flat tire. The school bus was filled with kids. My truck skidded and swayed. It stopped a few feet from the side of the school bus.

I got out to make sure everyone was okay. Some of the kids were crying. The teachers on board the bus were letting them know it was all okay.

I got on the bus and apoligized to the kids.

One of the kids smiled at me. He was drawing a picture in his notebook. It was of a guy walking with a dragon.

Circumstances

I woke up this morning and was surprised to find a raccoon sleeping next to me. I was a little scared to wake it up because I heard that raccoons panic when startled and they have very sharp claws. I slid out of bed very slowly.

I stepped onto the floor and bumped against a hippo. The hippo shuffled a bit, but stayed asleep. I was more startled by the presence of the hippo than the raccoon. They are so big. And they smell!

I slid by the hippo. I stepped into my living room. There was a vulture perched on my couch. It was sleeping too, but it opened one eye. It was an intense eye. I guess they assess things on whether or not they can eat it. It closed its eye and went back to sleep.

I got out some orange juice and poured it into a glass. I sat down at my kitchen table and thought about how these animals could have come into my home. Last night I watched television until about midnight. I brushed my teeth and went to bed. I don't remember any animals during any of these activities.

I felt something brush against my feet. It was cold and slimy. I looked down and saw a boa constrictor slither by. I was scared that it would wrap around me. But it went by and then down the hallway.

I noticed my side door was partially open. That must have been how they got in. But, why?

I got online to investigate. I saw on the local news that the zoo caught fire. Many of the animals died. But a good number escaped and they had yet to be found.

I heard the side door creak. I looked and saw a gorilla walk in. It sat next to me. It smelled of soot. It was scared. I got it a glass of water. The gorilla drank it down. I motioned towards my couch. The gorilla went and laid down. I put a blanket over him. He was asleep within seconds.

recharging

I worked so very hard all day. I got home and laid down on the couch. My dog, Blenellen, came up to me and licked my hand. I made some kind of barely audible sound to express a hello.

Blenellen recognized my tiredness and leaped into action. She made me some pancakes. They were kind of undercooked, and the maple syrup was mostly on the underside of the plate, but her efforts made them delicious.

She drew me a bath. She poured the entire contents of the Mr. Bubble box into the tub, so it was difficult for me to find the tub. Then once I sat in the tub, the bubbles were over my head. I thought, "This is what it must be like to be in a cloud." I relaxed.

After I was done with my bath, she motioned me towards the bedroom with her nose. When I got there, I found the sheets drawn back and my pajamas were laying on the bed. There was dog hair all over the bed, and my pajamas were covered with saliva, but I didn't mind. I fell asleep immediatly.

When I awoke, Blenellen was standing by the bed with the leash in her mouth. I lept out of bed fully recharged and I took her for a walk!